the weekend guide | 1-4 december 2016

a meet-and-greet that’s drawing themed. why? because do you have any better ideas on how to meet people in this city? cool. well Berg’n does, and it’s happening thursday night. ice-breaking drawing games to warm you up this season, supplies and holiday-themed festivities (including a collaborative mural!) by ThinkDraw. $10, 7-10pm, more info here. 899 bergen st at Berg’n, where the E is so strong, you only need one.™

it’s thursday, folks. and that means it’s time to bring the funk. head to the safari room at el cortez in bushwick for a 70s disco featuring funk, underground boogie, french and afro-brazilian tunes, and some dope contemporary beats too so we can all get down. to funkytown. aka bushwick. it’s free, 10pm-4am. event page is here, (although i am the only event page you need. forever.) 17 ingraham st, at el cortez.

mmm nothing makes being single more obvious than the holidays. all those christmas party invites, your mother relentlessly commenting about your lack of a boyfriend at dinner, and the extra layer of weight you put on all make it very obvious that you are going home alone at night. wellllll, not friday night. not fucking friday night. bring home a burly brooklyn rugby player AND a calendar, and feel good about it, in more ways than 3. it’s the brooklyn rugby calendar release party and date auction and it’s at littlefield friday night, in all of its burly ruggedness. all info here, 9pm-2am, 622 degraw st. at littlefield.

you know what sucks? office holiday parties. you know what absolutely doesn’t suck? all other holiday parties. specifically, this one. our friends at the bushwick starr open the doors to their first ever holiday party and that means free food, free booze, a naughty little mistletoe photo booth and dj avg jo spinnin tunes all night. plus, the famous brookyn starr silent auction.8-11pm. tickets $25, along with all other info is here. 207 starr st, at the bushwick starr. and if you can’t make it, please donate here for another year of amazing community events and performances.

who knows how many more opportunities we’ll have to get on the naughty list this year? this, for sure, will be one of them. it’s a holiday-themed burlesque, cabaret, circus variety show at house of yes and that means anything goes. and comes. and you will leave shocked and entertained and well a whole lot of useful ideas. 7-10pm, $15 tickets and details here, 2 wyckoff ave at house of yes, where they put the wonder in wonderland.™

well folks i’ve spoken too soon. there are actually plenty of opportunities to secure your spot on the naughty list, if you haven’t already. come to the bell house friday night for the it’s too damn early holiday strip tease. that’s right folks. because when i combine my anger at christmas decorations and holiday activities all happening too far before the actual hoilday with all of the calories i so nearsightedly consumed over thanksgiving, i just want to take my clothes off in protest. (i mean it actually doesn’t sound that bad… i’ll do it if you do it.) let’s all do it. together. friday night at the bell house, featuring the most festive lady and fella strippers from wasabassco. 730pm, $20 tickets and other info here. 149 7th st. at the bell house, just be there with… something on. or nothing. whatever.™

i know what you’ve been thinking… if only there was a french-revolution themed party. where i could finally wear my best liaison dangereuse get-up and get down with other aristocratic provocateurs, some performing aerial acrobatics, some of them popping out of pastries and cakes, marie antoinette will be there having all of the layers of her decadent attire eaten off of her while we all dance around a flaming organ. guys, THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. yeah. so, i don’t know- find yourself a place to fit in among all of that madness, or simply come. and partake in this event. saturday night, 10pm-5am, tickets $30-45 buy here and read their rad explanation of the event.  2 wyckoff ave at house of yes, where you and i become oui!™

i thought the reason we moved to new york was to avoid kitschy events like this. no? oh. well ok … well this will be fun then. come, put on your holiday shit. get fucked up. ruin the spirit of christmas in the hearts of every child that sees you pissing into a phone booth. keep pissing. someone ruined it for you too, fuck it. (what is wrong with you?) click the link, resort to coal in your stocking for the rest of your life. and likely well into death too.

god thanksgiving was tense. and there’s still muchmore holiday-ing to come… so what do we do to prepare? listen to our mothers when they yell at us for writing “FUCK TRUMP” in the mashed potatoes? finally agree to blissfully take another scoop of yam surprise so you don’t hurt your grandmother’s feelings? NO. no we don’t do that. we laugh at it and keep moving on. head to muchmore’s where comedians tell you about their own traditions, and where we will all partake in something that connects us more than it divides us- laughter. and family traditions. and, well, much more than that too. all info is here, event is free and goes from 9-1030. 2 havemeyer st. at muchmore’s.

merry and bright and a little bit of spooky… come sunday to the Greenwood Cemetery twilight tour and meet the ghosts of christmas past, present, and future. wear your best skeletons from your closet. leave any other puns you can think of in the comments, im running low on words. forgive me. i love you. don’t ever leave. (promise?) tickets, $25-30. 4-6pm at 500 25th st at fifth ave.