things i’m doing this weekend… that don’t include fooling my readers for any events happening friday.

THURSDAY

Indigo Shibori Workshop, Dusty Rose Vintage, Greenpoint.

don’t dingy whites make you want to dye. ME. TOO. come learn the ancient practice of shibori dyeing with apprvl nyc this thursday at dusty rose vintage and leave with new and revamped textiles and the ability to turn any fabric into a deep indigo dream. oh also- they will have wine. bring your own clothing to breathe fresh life into and use fabrics, tools, and dyes provided. tickets HERE. 7-9pm at dusty rose, 251 greenpoint ave. wine and dye me, baby.

Ryan Hemsworth, Output, Williamsburg. 

AH, i love ryan hemsworth. if you’re not familiar with his stuff listen to this tune on repeat a few times and you’ll get what i’m saying. he’s right in the midst of this amazing electro-R&B-soul scene and he’s playing at output, tomorrow. somehow i got on a secret list (might have something to do with my impending celebrity… might also have something to do with every other brooklyn listerv i’m subscribed to. you choose) (don’t.) and i have 4 +1’s. come be one of them. 74 wythe ave, i’ll be at the back of the club tryin’ to call your phone. if you aren’t there. (that’s a line from the song.) (but i’ll actually do it if you leave me your number. and some love. in my comments area.)

In Memory of Michael, a live show by Atomic Funk Project, Brooklyn Bowl, Williamsburg.

atomic funk project brings you all of their big-band funk, soul, and bluesy groovin’ energy to play michael jackson’s off-the-wall album in its entirety, plus other funky classics! doors at 6pm, show at 8pm. tickets, $10, 61 wythe ave. I’ll bring the funk.

FRIDAY

New Orleans Crawfish Boil, The Hall at MP Taverna, Williamsburg. 

all night. spicy creole cuisine and funky fresh lowlands bands can’t be bad. I’ll buy your ticket if you can tell me the difference between a crayfish, a crawfish, and a crawdad (leave it in the comments!) tickets here, bands start at 6 but music and crustaceans will be crackin’ all night long baby. at MP Tavern, 470 driggs ave. shell i save you a dance?

First Friday’s Nachos with El Jefe Nachoria, The Diamond, Greenpoint.

nachos cheese torched before your eyes, just after they ask for it. because they are naughty nachos that give themselves away for free. go, partake. i won’t tell anyone. nachoing begins at 730pm. beers run all day, all night. 43 franklin st. get tipsy and chipsy.

Light Painting at Little Water Radio, South Street Seaport, Lower Manhattan. 

be part of the installation, just by gettin’ in the groove… and finding your reason to cross the river this weekend.  part of the Out to See festival, this performance art exhibit meets dance party meets flashlight tag all-night event will have you performance-dancing, questioning who your friends are, and dodging seizures until the wee hours. 7-midnight, 192 front st. lighten up.

24-hour Creation Loop, The Wise Guys House, Bushwick.

it’s like double-dutch but with artistic endeavors. jump in and help keep this 24-hour loop of creation alive by contributing anything from sculpting, filming, rapping, drawing, web development, car painting, live theater, zombie dancing and so, so much more. at The Wise Guys House (this is an apartment, by the way), 154 Ellery St. i will be contributing my talent for shadow puppets of past presidents’ countenances, so don’t take that one. don’t be out of the loop.

**disclaimer- the information about this event disappeared almost as quickly as i reported on it, shrowding it an added layer of april-fools-day-mystery-or-foolery. so super rad if you decide to go. report back, ok?

Live Music at Milk and Roses, Greenpoint.

this enchanting little gem in NoGreePo beckons you in with its rustic charm- antique books line the walls, a baby grand piano with a live pianist nightly, a hidden garden in the back with gnomes peeking out of the bushes, giggling and chirping just ever so perceptively. oh yeah, and their cocktails are dope. live music every friday so pop in and get lost in there, for a while.

One Night Only, McCarren Hotel, Williamsburg.

ah, brooklyn! relentlessly redeeming yourself from inflating rents with dope parties like this.

one night only, until next month! 10pm-2am, this season’s first of a summer-long partnership of rooftop pool parties at the mccarren park hotel. so what if it’s still cold. so what if it’s supposed to rain. so what if you can come up with any other excuse that you find valid- so what if you find me there? i’ll let you buy me a drink, of course. 160 N 12th st. dive in.

SATURDAY

Gastronomista Cocktail Brunch at Le Fanfare, Greenpoint.

i mean, it’s too late- it’s already happening. BMW is starting a “communal work gallery” two blocks from my house, i’m getting priced out of my apartment next month (anyone in for protesting, a la the goonies?) and vogue’s darling le fanfare is holding this gastronomista brunch with saveur magazine’s cocktail winner of the year. the upside? these fancy drinks are only $5, and the food is damn good. the bad news? the neighborhood is gone, guys. but let’s get some good grub while they still let us.1130-4pm, 1103 Manhattan Ave.

Smorgasburg’s Seasonal Initiation, at the waterfront in Williamsburg.

for a foodie event of a different color, let’s all put on our ponchos and head over to christen the season of food booths and beer sleuths (read: those who carry out thorough and relentless beer investigations) over at the waterfront. it’s smorgasburg season, baby. and you know what that means. all of the wonderful things and all of the wonderful people in that wonderful spot on the east river. for a look at this season’s vendors, check here. to realize that you are going to go no matter what, as long as porchetta keeps squeezing that weird-ass plastic pig toy all day, see you there at 11am baby. 90 kent ave. dig in. 

just park your ass dancing feet all night at the House of YES– where they don’t take no for an answer.

Ghostship Ball, House of YES, Bushwick.

The North Brooklyn Boat Club and Long Island City Community Boathouse invite you to share in an evening of nautical narratives and naughty acrobatics! all for a good cause. because if you haven’t heard, north bk boat club takes you on kayak and canoe tours for the very small price of picking up any little pieces of trash that might float by as you’re merrily rowing along. or, become a member for $35/year and enjoy unlimited access to their boats, gear, and dock entrance to  the pride of greenpoint, the new river creek. event starts at 5-10pm, House of YES, 10 Wyckoff Ave. tickets $9.18 and can be found here. batton down the hatches, maties. stormy seas predicted.

then stay for-

Elevation 001 at House of YES, Bushwick.

i mean you already go there to get high to appreciate some aerial acrobatics, why not take things to the next level? everyone’s favorite party group Zero Presents begins its monthly residency at the house of YES this saturday night. and like all of zero’s events, it promises to never be the lowest common denominator? to only divide itself up for those who are worth something? to only go up from here? …to be dope as shit. i’m totally in so join me. unless you’re up to something better? hmmm? tickets, $30 which is better than most zero parties. and it’s an 8-hour party, from 9pm to 5am sunday, House of YES, 10 Wyckoff Av.

SUNDAY

Live Music at Manhattan Inn, Greenpoint.

go here, no matter what on sunday. everytime i’ve been on a sunday evening i am completely blown away by the people performing. and, they perform in the very center of the backroom so so much sound is being produced all around you, and you kind of feel like they’re singing only to you and it’s at your house. beneath a raggy spanish-mossish covered chandelier. 632 manhattan ave, check their calendar for listing info.

where to drink this weekend

Lavendar Lake, 383 Carroll St, Gowanus. 

haven’t discovered gowanus yet? Well it’s akready too late. That doesn’t mean that you can’t love it though. This lively cocktail bar and restaurant used to be a hidden gem and now it’s a legitimate hotspot. People don’t even seem to care that their huge backyard and patio are located right on the banks of the pungent gowanus canal ) it’ll only get better (and more crowded) as temperatures rise, so go this weekend.

where to eat this weekend

Bamontes, 32 Withers St, Williamsburg. 

<3L.

FRIDAY
A Very Murray Christmas at the woods, williamsburg
playing bill’s new holiday film on repeat AND offering free jameson to instagram followers, plus free jameson for life if you bring bill murray. which, given his affinity for showing up unannounced at random places, there is a chance you’ll just happen to be walking in at the right time to claim him as your date. if this party doesn’t get you in the christmas spirit, give up at this point. 7-9pm,  48 S. 4th st.

Open Source Food Kitchen, williamsburg
hungry for food or for philanthropy? or maybe just to exchange some ideas with other movers and shakers? open source kitchen throws this weekly food exchange to give people who are hungry or not so hungry a place to openly mingle and warm up with artists, writers. and bums. with soups. plus you can play everyone’s favorite game- homeless or hipster? in other words, just come as you are. 7-9pm, 306 17th st.

Holiday Circus Cabaret, williamsburg
circus cabaret? sounds like the perfect mix of youthful innocence and raucous desire that will make for a perfect last-friday-before-christmas chance to get on santa’s naughty list. 29 wythe ave, 8.30pm. $25.

oh yeah, and deadmau5 is playing at barclay’s. and. i will be there. (you can too!)

SATURDAY
French Morning Market, Cobble Hill
but i’m le tired- well, now you’re le not once you check out this magnifique french holiday market– for the francophile on your list or to help satiate that constant desire to be back in france. (smothering brie on your face is totally acceptable- i miss it too man.) Church of St. Paul, 234 Congress st. saturdays, 10am-2pm, and sundays 11am-6pm.

Brooklyn Wine Exchange, cobble hill
after a long day of christmas shopping on charming smith st (have you been to this shop? because it’s perfect for all of those people on your list who are awesome.) squeeze into this cozy little gem of a wine shop on Court st- they offer free (free!)  wine classes every wednesday and saturday and have an extensive wine selection and extremely knowledgeable staff. get in there. this saturday, sign up early to get a sparkling little lesson about champagne from the bubbly Clement Calleja of Billecart-Salmon.

Free Salsa Lessons, two locations in brooklyn.
take a break from your weekly youtube salsa dance lessons and head to dance fever studios for this free salsa event! get your hands on a stranger that doesn’t start with swiping right. lesson starts at 8pm, come single or with a buddy, plus your dancing shoes. Dance Fever studios, 159 20th Street.

Pancakes and Whiskey’s Annual Holiday Party, williamsburg
nothing says “holiday” like pancakes and whiskey. the group, not the actual food products. join them and bands snowmine, salt cathedrals, and bellows at rough trade- so you can load up on albums for all of the hipsters on your list at the same time. everyone wins in this scenario. get tix. bring syrup. 64 N 9th St, 8pm.

SUNDAY
Whiskey Bike Ride with the Brooklyn Bike Crew. errrywhere.
nothing gets me up at 10am on a saturday like a long bike ride with the promise of a whiskey bar at the end. never mind, literally, nothing gets me up at that time on a saturday, but i’m going to give it a try. sleep in OR join me in the below- bikes and whiskey, sounds risky! starts at bedford ave and the eastern parkway, 10am-2pm.

Please Touch the Art, dumbo.
it’s unseasonably nice out- no one knows why (well, we have an idea…) but let’s bask in it for as long as we can until it leaves us. head down to brooklyn bridge park to check out Jeppe Hein’s interactive installations. touch the art, dance in the fountain, it’s december, who cares. pneumonia, be damned! brooklyn bridge park, everyday during those precious hours of sunlight. go quick because it leaves us jan. 1.

Brooklyn Flea <3’s Smorgasburg <3’s Brooklyn Night Bazaar Holiday Market, sunset park
then, of course keep biking south of dumbo- to smorgasburg/brooklyn flea/brooklyn night bazaar’s christmas love child in industry city. this holiday market is every saturday and sunday and boasts all the vendors you love from each of these cherished events, plus some you’ve never even heard of. face it- you have gifts to get, you know you do. drink while you shop to take a bit of that edge right off of your holiday shopping.

Atletico de Madrid, champions of the world (kind of!), at banter bar in williamsburg.

i realize that not everyone will give a shit about this game but let’s face it- college football season is effectively over and we all need a real sport to watch while we gently wash down our hangovers on sundays. enter- the greatest soccer team in the entire world, fighting to win this game and the lead en la liga, spain’s league that boasts those two other soccer teams that are always battling for number one. best place to catch it? banter bar in williamsburg. see you there in your rojo y blanco. AUPA. 2.30pm, 132 Havemeyer st.

where to eat this weekend– fada in williamsburg
a little bit of marseilles right on driggs ave. dollar oysters on sunday nights, steak tartare, poutine, live music every night! plus a well-curated wine list. i want to live at this place. join me.

where to drink this weekend– milk + roses, greenpoint
this enchanting little gem in NoGreePo beckons you in with its rustic charm- antique books line the walls, a baby grand piano with a live pianist nightly, a hidden garden in the back with gnomes peeking out of the bushes, giggling and chirping just ever so perceptively. oh yeah, and their cocktails are dope. get lost in here, for a while.

reasons to cross the river this weekend–
other than battling the crowds at the union square holiday market (seriously, i don’t even care that it’s packed. it’s full of joy and love and treasures. go.), there is a room filed with balloons at Gavin Brown’s Enterprise in chinatown just begging to bring out your inner child. and they’re red (naturally) so it’s festive. check it out- 291 grand st, noon-6pm.