Hey Brooklyn. Regardless of your relationship status, I can help you celebrate Valentine’s Day in Brooklyn this year. Just as our love affair with this city bounces from complete dedication to absolute disdain on a nearly daily basis, our relationship statuses tend to flip and flutter nearly as much. So let’s check-in here.

Where do you find yourself this Valentine’s Day? Where is your heart? Who is laying there beside you? Who was just in your dreams?

In whatever state of love or longing you find yourself this Valentine’s Day, I’ll help you navigate the city of romance (hahaha jk) in all the right ways. And if you need it, I’ll be here to recommend the best cafe to take her to the next morning. Seriously, DM me. You can’t waste all of that on a bad croissant. 

Let’s step on the good foot and do the bad thing. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Intentionally forget to wear undies and tell him at dinner. Put it all out there, because your lover’s next lover is just a swipe away. And we don’t want that to happen. 

Here’s how to spread your love, all over town. 

For the Newfound Love

Oh you know those precious first few months. The ones when you still get a little nervous before you meet up, when you still delicately choose what stories you tell him, the ones where getting wasted together doesn’t ever end in fighting, just fucking. 

This fledgling love, full of beauty and potential deserves a night that starts with cocktails, evolves into a hip dinner experience, and devolves drunkenly into some intimacy-inducing entertainment. Choose places that say, “I know my neighborhood. I want to get to know you now. And later.” 

In Greenpoint, go for cocktails, dinner, and dancing.

Grand Republic Cocktail Club

Because everyone is going to be at Ramona and you aren’t everyone, this tucked-away cocktail bar has some of the most inventive yet unpretentious drinks in town, made by bartenders that embody the same energy. Plus it has free popcorn in case your tummy is grumbly before dinner. Because that’s still embarrassing in the beginning of things.  19 Greenpoint Ave.

Dinner at 21 Greenpoint

Just avoid the conversation about it being Bill Murray’s son’s place. Because in this town, ya don’t really just get a handout because you’re some star’s kid. Homer Murray has a lot more to boast about, from an inventive, evolving menu and damn impressive wine list, plus a Bib Gourmand award that has no addendum for relative fame. 21 Greenpoint Ave.

In Williamsburg, have wine, dinner and a show, then a little late-night competition.

Wine and Small Plates at Four Horsemen

Impress her with your wine knowledge, or at least your knowledge of hip bars owned by rock stars. Four Horsemen has some of the rarest and most natural wine menus in town, and some of the most delicate small plates to accompany them. Don’t skip the mangalitsa. Don’t stare at the James Murphy. 295 Grand St.

Dinner and Music at St. Mazie

For dinner and some damn good tunes, reserve a table down the street at St. Mazie. With separate performances and menu options downstairs and up, choose your own adventure. And by that I mean look up which one you know she’ll like best.  345 Grand St.

Pool and Whisky at Midway

Nothing juxtaposes a hip wine bar and vintage-esque supper club than a dingy dive bar with a free pool table. Show off your skills, incite a little seductive competition, and smooth it all over with some cheap tequila. Sneak into the bathroom together to settle your bets. Trust me, everyone else is doing something like that too. 272 Grand St.

In Bushwick, have a meal guaranteed to spice things up, then dance it all back off.

Mission Chinese Bushwick

Spicy and hip, (which basically sums up the About Me in your Happn profile), this impossible-to-get-into Manhattan mainstay has opened up a neon-lit off-(bamboo)shoot beneath the already mesmerizing roof of Elsewhere. Which means that after your adventurous pre-fixe, you can find yourself along three different stages and shows. Or of course, go elsewhere. 599 Johnson Ave. 

Dance yourselves dirty and clean again at House of Yes

No better time to bring up or act out your sexual proclivities than at this sex-positive discoteca in Bushwick. Valentine’s Day night they invite you to celebrate love and dance all night at their infamous House of Love party where costumes are required and you won’t have to wait to take each other home. Info here. 2 Wyckoff Ave.

How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day if you’re Dating, seriously. 

You’ve both deleted your dating apps. You’ve been upstate together. You’ve met or at least facetimed each others’ families. Getting wasted together half the time ends in fucking, the other half it’s fighting and then really good morning sex. Find your new go-to neighborhood spots. Reliable, slightly unknown, and the type of place that will remember you as you make memories there, together.

A Very Parisien Dinner and Theater Experience in Bushwick

Dinner at Le Garage in Bushwick

Because you can never forget the time you were in Paris together, avoiding tourist traps and instead dining in hidden cafes far from the Champs Elysees. Le Garage is the embodiment of a every experience you discovered wandering around Montemarte. Tucked in the non-glamorous but distinctly bohemian neighborhood of Bushwick, this approachable bistro is serving some of the most exquisite French fare in the city. Their Valentine’s Day pre-fixe menu will have you slipping right back into your Parisien love story. 157 Suydam St.

Catch a very sexy show at Company XIV

You don’t see enough theater in this city because well if you live here, it’s part of the pedigree as a “New Yorker”. How are we supposed to weed through all of the off-broadway and off-off-Broadway to find something worthwhile? And that means worth all of our precious New York minutes… You start by finding a theater company that is doing it differently, that is showcasing some of the best talent in the city on an intimate stage with productions that mix burlesque and ballet in a way that is delicate yet undeniably risque. Company XIV is that company. Their theater in Bushwick is the perfect place to sit and sip and be completely floored by the talent and stories as they all unfold onstage. Check their performance schedule here.  383 Troutman St.

Dinner and Dancing (if that’s what you want to call it) in Greenpoint

Sardinian-Inspired Italian Fare and Live Music at Le Fanfare

There are those places that do always execute their mission perfectly, simply, consistently, and flawlessly, and somehow without much…. well, fanfare. This gem of a restaurant located in NoGreePo is the lovechild of three Sardinian natives who have created a menu and experience that is reflective of their homeland. Exciting and inventive, and a keen concentration on service and the experience created make every moment here one you won’t forget. Their pre-fixe menu is littered with aphrodisiacs that will have you and your lover slipping slowly into the seductive sensory experience that has become inherent in this space. Plus, the funky sounds of Seth Kessel’s honky-tonk band will be filling your ears all night, and trust me, it’s surprisingly seductive. Make a reservation by emailing reservations.lefanfare@gmail.com now. 1103 Manhattan Ave. 

Go Do Bad Things at Good Room

It’s my favorite place to do bad things, and for good reason. Or maybe at least bad reasons with good intentions. This no-frills nightclub is small enough to not get lost in but big enough for your wildest dreams. Showcasing the best local djs and plenty of international names from outside our fair city,  go. Dance. Lose yourself, but not your lover. 98 Meserole St.

Michelin-Star Dinner and an intimate show in South Brooklyn

Tapas at La Vara

Because Michelin star Spanish without the pretentious atmosphere kind of feels like your love story. Unexpected and dynamic, indulgent with staying power. And besides, the two of you are always just a plane ticket away from moving to Mallorca. Get a little taste of the good life here. 268 Clinton St.

Music in the back room at Barbes

There are few places more romantic and unexpectedly intimate like the back room at Barbes. Squeeze in along the back wall and be enamored with the acoustics, the talent, each other. Drink red wine. Check the schedule here. 376 9th St.

So You’re Married, huh?

You did it. You decided to commit to your love forever here in a city where the only consistency is an inability to agree on the best by-the-slice joints in town. That deserves respect, recognition, and a damn good excuse to celebrate. Go for dinner and some theater at a place with reliably good service, consistently excellent food, one that isn’t accompanied with a mostly Kygo playlist or girls who drastically overuse the word literally but deny it a syllable.

Italian Fare and Intimate Cinema in Greenpoint

Dinner at Naked Dog

Naked Dog serves consistently amazing Italian food in an unpretentious setting with cocktails that you’ll both understand and want more than one of. This place is a not-so-hidden gem that gets it right, every time, without all the gentrified riffraff. Don’t skip the burrata, the meatballs, the braised shortrib.  47 Java St.

Catch a movie at Film Noir Cinema

An antique theater hidden on a residential street specializing in noir films often with a live score? This is unexpected yet somehow just what you’ve been looking for. The vintage wooden seats might seem uncomfortable but all the more reason to lean on each other.  Thursday night they’ll be showing Secrets of the Heart, at 9pm. Tickets here, 122 Meserole Ave.

Or try an adventurous Pan-Asian dinner, and a movie, in Williamsburg

Dinner at Monarch Theater Restaurant

I often find restaurants this beautiful too much of a production, and perhaps a distraction, from the food. But trust that even in this absolutely pristine, minimalist setting, the bold flavors take center stage. Read my review written just a few weeks after they opened their doors here, but trust that I’ve checked back in on them often since then, and it seems to keep getting better. 146 Metropolitan Ave.

Film at Nitehawk Williamsburg

There’s simply nothing better than munching on some gourmet popcorn and sipping drinks delivered to you by an elusive, scurrying server in an intimate theater while watching just about anything on the big screen. So make that happen this Valentine’s Day. Get tickets here now. 136 Metropolitan Ave.

New American Fare and a Film in South Slope

Dinner at Camperdown Elm

I can’t say enough about this restaurant. Camperdown Elm is providing an explosion of flavors, textures, spices, and bold new dishes that create an experience that is anything but familiar. It’s intriguing, it’s ambitious, it’s bold and oh-so-good for the soul, like both your first and last lover (but no need to mention them tonight, eh?) Read my full review here, and just make sure you don’t miss the oysters, the rib eye, the sea buckthorn pie. 441 7th Ave.

Catch a film at the new Nitehawk in Prospect Park

Yep, there’s a new Nitehawk with more theaters but each one is just as intimate and inviting as the original in Williamsburg. Catch up on some Oscar noms or see a throwback romance. Check the schedule here, 188 Prospect Park West.

Catching Up with an Old Flame

Avoid the pre-fixe or any indication that this was a good idea. This was probably not a good idea, but you knew that anyway. Find a place to eat that’s loud enough to drown out any utterances of your past wrongdoings and has minimal service to interrupt, but the food and atmosphere says that you’ve still got it. I mean, that you’ve still got that knack you have for picking out great spots that always made her swoon a bit. Grab a bite then head to a dive bar where no hand-checks are required, ever. And also where slaps in the face rarely raise an eyebrow.

Grab a Slice and Shots in Greenpoint

Pizza at Pauli Gee’s Slice Shop

Because nothing replaces an awkward silence like a good-natured New York pizza slice debate, you’ll be guaranteed to have something to playfully fight about and plenty of pizza to stuff in your mouth suddenly if you sense things might be escalating. Also, sports- the universal distraction from reality! 110 Franklin St.

Shot and Beer Specials at Lake Street

The best dive bar in the neighborhood, specializing in shots of whisky, cheap beers, agreeable music, and a bathroom with a sexual zodiac wheel that will stay in her mind when things start getting a little looser. The lighting is always low and they never ask for hand checks.  706 Manhattan Ave.

A Quick Bite and a Battle-of-the-Bands or Dive Bar-ing in Bushwick

Tacos at Los Hermanos Tortilleria

Because it’s just casual enough to make it feel like this isn’t really a thing, plus it’s BYOB.  Get a smattering of tacos and a 6-pack to keep things stress-free that will easily accompany the lighthearted conversation you hope you’ll have. 2 Knickerbocker Ave.

Battle of the Bands at Our Wicked Lady or anything else at Cobra Club

From here, take a mental litmus test of how things are going. Feel like adding some heavy rock music and a little additional combativeness to the evening? Head down the street to Our Wicked Lady for their Winter Madness competition. Or if you two need to keep drinking and talking, go across the street to the Cobra Club for shots. Of whisky. And likely unwelcome conversation that you’ll pretend to forget in the morning or, a damn good time that starts in the bathroom. Our Wicked Lady is located at 153 Morgan Ave, and Cobra Club is down the street at 6 Wyckoff Ave.

Spending Valentine’s Day Alone?

You know what’s great about being alone on Valentine’s Day? There will be no lover’s spout, there will be know unfulfilled expectations, there will be no Russel Stover chocolate sampler that makes you wonder if he’s ever listened to a fucking word you said. Because fuck that chocolate. 
There will be you and your heart full of wonder and red lipstick. I recommend red lipstick, that equally sends a “come hither” and “back the fuck off” message to passersby

Leave your mark and wine and dine yourself in DUMBO

Wine and Small Plate(s) at Olympia Wine Bar

Because you don’t know if you want cheese or a few small plates or maybe something that requires more of a commitment. You don’t know and no one is sitting there waiting for you answer, asking if your parents are still together and if you’ve always had commitment problems. This charming wine bar let’s you sit and sip and nibble until your heart is content (which it has been all along.) 54 Jay St.

Leave Your (virtual) Mark with a Love Lantern

Have a wish you want to put out into the universe? Maybe a few things you realized you should have said too late? Or even a few grievances about your last lover? Download the new VR experience from DUMBO-based Juniper Jones that lets you hang a love lantern with a message all over iconic Washinton Street. Read the love notes of others, feel your heart get a little lighter, and feel alive knowing that his wonderous city is filled with so many people with so many stories and so many heartbeats. And the best thing about this project? Your selfish wishes aren’t going to weigh down some beautiful piece of architecture.

Celebrate No One to Hold You Back in Bushwick

Sit at the Bar at Roberta’s

Yes, Roberta’s is nearly impossible to get into, but the bar is first-come-first-serve and very low on the romance scale. Which means it’s primed and perfect for your solo ass to slide up and indulge in some of the best pies in the city. Which means in the world, because this is New York. Get two, save your leftovers, because, well, nothing is sexier than a stranger with Roberta’s to give away. 261 Moore St.

Find Love at House of Yes

Because going to a sex-positive discoteca with your lover really sucks, enjoy having the shackles removed and only voluntary restrains put upon you. House of Yes will be hosting their monthly fetish party this Friday which means really whatever you want it to mean. Live out your wildest fantasies or play a part in someone else’s, with consent. Choose your poison here. 2 Wyckoff Ave.