Consider the Paella.

Liz Norment — Tue, 23 May 2017 22:05:25 +0000

The final arrival of springtime immediately and unforgivingly followed by summertime here in the city means we will be doing all of the things we were forced to do inside, outside. dining al fresco. day drinking on patios, getting naked with strangers on rooftops.

To usher in this awakening, consider hosting a dinner party to welcome all the friends you forgot about during our urban hibernation, consider moving your kitchen table outside and having these friends all share in the sanctity Spanish sabores and sangria. consider awakening your brain cells as well as your taste buds by learning a new skill. i ask you, please, to consider the paella.

I seek here to expose the realities of paella making. This is an intimidating dish that should be approached with. caution, however it deserives a place on your table, a titillating dance around your mouth, a permanent residence in your heart.

step 1

forget your dignity. you are nothing compared to the paella. forget everything you once knew about cooking. forget those comforting ratios you memorized about rice. forget it.

rice is no longer a grain- rice are tiny mutants with PHDs and white coats. they are smart, they are sneaky, and they are insulated. and prepared not to give up a damn thing, come hell or high water.

step 2

realize that this is a lost cause. you will be let down. you will be upset. your friends will become liars as they choke down your creation. this will likely ruin your day and you will be left with no food, so have a pizza number at the ready.

step 3

thus, find hungry, happy people. hungry people will eat the food you create no matter what soggy state it is in. happy people are less likely to be the kind you blame for your mistakes.

step 4

the pan- the pan is also called a “paella”. do not say “pealla pan”- this is incorrect. i have no idea, but i would imagine that this evolved from someone saying, “oh yeah, for the dinner party? i’ll bring the paella!” and then after hours of utter chaos in the kitchen, they threw it out in a fit of rage, washed the pan, and showed up with it and attempted to call the host’s bluff- “this is a paella.”

anyway. the pan. should be shallow, round, wide. with two handles that screw into the sides. it’s thin, which adds to the volatility of the dish. it has exposed screws, which are used to measure the stock added which allows a much too large margin of error in a 24” pan, which is very likely what could screw your over. in addition to everything else. anyway, they are cheap and beautiful and can double as pie pans, pizza pans, casoulets, cymbals. symbols of your own insufficiency. i only buy mine from latienda.com who sources there’s directly from valencia, home of the paella.

step 5

learn a bit of history about the dish to leave your guests satisfied with new knowledge if nothing else.

paella? weird word, right? well. now, rumor has it (this absolutely has not been researched, i just heard it from a spaniard and I believe most things Spanish men say. and I will simply leave it at that.)

Back in the days when our social status was primarily determined by meats, rabbit was considered poor mans fare. As the story goes, a hunter shot a rabbit in the woods. His buddy was like, “yo what’s the deal man? I thought you said that new … was going well! I was about to invest in it!!”

“Oh no no no, you mean this” pointing at the limp little conejo. “This is para ella,” he said, referring to his wife. “I don’t know why, it’s para Ella” for her. it’s for her, she requested it. we aren’t poor, my wife wants it for some reason. A dish named to cover up shame. Ironic, given it’s bubbling and thick determination to display mine…

The hunters wife put into to a rice dish that became the paella we know today.

VOILA! they’ve forgotten they are hungry!

Ok now here’s the recipe, and the process.

Ingredients

Paella Spice

4 tsp cumin

4 tsp smoked paprika

2 tsp turmeric

2 tsp ground coriander

1/2 tsp saffron threads (optional)

For the Sofrito

2 red bell peppers, chopped.

2 green peppers, chopped.

1 spanish onion, chopped.

1 very ripe tomato, peeled and grated.

5 cloves of garlic, chopped

1 Tbsp paprika

1 cup of white wine

5 Tbsp olive oil

1/2 tsp saffron threads (optional)

Everything Else

5 cups chicken stock

2 1/2 cups sliced chorizo (ok this is a point of contention, because one should never mix land and sea creatures in the paella… but… i keep the chorizo.)

seafood medley! i like monkfish, shrimp (peeled, de-veined with tales on), mussels, and clams.

2 1/2 cups bomba (or calasparra) rice

2 Tbsp olive oil

Instructions

for the spice, grind all spices together with a mortar and pestle.

you have now done the spice.

for the sofrito, chop peppers and onions and blend together in a food processor. heat 2 Tbsp of olive oil in pan. add garlic and saute until slightly browned. add pureed veggies and paprika. let simmer and stir frequently. add white wine and 1/4 tsp of saffron if using. simmer 15-20 minutes or until it has reduced by half. (you can make this ahead and keep for 2 days in the fridge.)

in a separate sauce pan, heat the stock and add 1/2 tsp of saffron threads. let this simmer on low.

this is the part when you should preheat the oven to 450F, but resist the urge to use it.

heat the paella (pan) on medium to med-low heat. (ps this should measure 12″ across, or you’ll be swimming in paella.) add the remaining 3 Tbsp of oil and 3 Tbsp of garlic. saute 2-3 minutes. add the chorizo. smellin’ real good now, huh? cook for 4-5 minutes or until the fat is rendered and chorizo is slightly browned.

VERY important – constantly turn the pan IF heat isn’t evenly distributed. do not stop doing this the entire time.

season the fish (cut into chunks) with salt and pepper. add to pan and saute 2-3 minutes, on all sides.

ok, take a deep breath. add the rice. stir well and saute for 2-3 minutes until you see the outside getting just slightly translucent. look through the rice, into its soul. ask it, silently- what do you want, rice? what is it that you want from me?

no matter what it says, give it the spice next. all of the spice. stir well and coat. now add the sofrito. stir enough to spread evenly and let it all settle in before bringing to a boil. let it boil for a few minutes before reducing the heat and keeping the paella at this almost boiling point. bring your face close to the paella often. do not burn the paella. do not burn the paella. do not burn the paella.

keep turning the pan.

arrange your chosen mariscos (seafoods!) in a pleasing pattern. this might be the only satisfying part of your experience, so enjoy it. they should resemble synchronized swimmers in a pool of wonderous sofrito beauty.

keep turning the pan.

cook until it feels right. all water should be absorbed. the paella should be thick, the rice healthy. the mariscos opening their hearts to you. IF you must, put into the oven. regardless, just before you are ready to turn the stove off, turn up the heat to medium high. listen for the crackling rice on the bottom to crystallize. this is a HUGE risk but it is the most sacred part of the paella, the socarrat. you must try.

Helpful Tips

turn the oven on, but do not submit to the oven. try not to submit to the oven. The goal here is to cook the entire paella on the stove, or on a grill if you’re lucky enough to have one at your disposal (guess who does!) here are some tricks that might help, depending on what needs to be sovled. if there is residual absorbed but rice is already cooked, turn burner on low and place a dish towel over the entire pan. water will be absorbed into the towel so as not to cause the rice to get soggy, and (sauce?) will thicken. if there is not enough water left and rice still hadn’t cooked fully, place newspapers over the paella. This will encourage no water to escape while the rice still cooks.

now serve. enjoy.

or, order pizza.

buen provecho mis amores!