There is something about this borough we inhabit, with its relative location to the sprawling, iconic metropolis that is Manhattan. Brooklyn somehow captures all of that mad, magnetic energy and makes it into something attainable.

Grab ahold of that magic this weekend, in all of the best ways I’ve found, in your weekend guide. Because it’s all madness, it’s all magic, it’s all magnetic, and it’s all yours.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Thursday

Perpetuum and Izakaya at A/D/O in Greenpoint

Yep, I’m still bummed that BMW took the Brooklyn Bazaar away from us (in its original space) but I can’t deny that having the backing of a luxury car brand can’t bring some damn nice things into that fateful warehouse space in Greenpoint. Like this, an art installation that alters your understanding of color, space, time and self, and (thankfully) doesn’t feel like it’s made for Instagram. An art installation for the sake of art! Oh my! Go and experience Perpetuum this weekend (it’s only here until the 17th!) and then have some izakaya with friends at Rule of Thirds, Greenpoint’s new expansive yet absolutely authentic Japanese small-plate haven. Info here. 29 Norman Ave.

Of Montreal at Elsewhere in Bushwick

There is nowhere else you should be this Thursday night other than under the magical, mystical roof of that space we call Elsewhere, in Bushwick. Yep. Go, fulfill your mission for taste-altering Szechuan spice at Mission Chinese and then satiate your need for space-altering and sense-enlightening musical experience when Of Montreal takes the stage. Book your table here, and get your tickets here now (they’re selling out fast). I’ll see you there, or Elsewhere. 599 Johnson Ave.

HUMP Film Festival at Cinema Village in the East Village

Amateur porn is both funny and sexy at the same time. And watching any porn in a public place, especially the kind that has Dan Savage’s stamp of approval, is something we should all consent to do. Let’s do it all together this weekend with HUMP film festival takes over … theater. Come, get some new ideas for the bedroom… the bathroom… the kitchen… the dingy bathroom at any dive bar. Allow yourself to have a way to start that weird fetish conversation you’ve been burying for way too long. It’s all out there for the getting, so go watch and then get you some. Tickets are selling out fast, get yours here now. 22 E. 12th St.

Indie Comedy at Tiny Cupboard in Bushwick

We all inhabit smaller-than-desired spaces in this town. And the best thing about said spaces is that filling them with anything is fairly quick and easy- like making that tiny closet appear to have a full wardrobe, or having your entire house fill with the smell of home cooking as soon as you put on the skillet, or best of all, filling all four walls with laughter with just one little joke. Small spaces are easy to fill. See just how warm and inviting they can be this Thursday night. Tickets, $5, available here. 1717 Broadway.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Friday

Dinner + a Movie: Korean Cuisine and a screening of Parasite in Greenpoint

I know you’re dying to read whatever quippy quip I’m about to write about this event I’ve created, but first BUY YOUR TICKETS NOW for the film. It’s playing in a 54-seat antique theater, so spots are going quickly. And then I want you head over to Little Dokebi with that creepy, ravenous look in your eyes before the film and enjoy Greenpoint’s most authentic Korean bites. And then I want you to come find me at Lake Street after your dinner-and-a-movie adventure and thank me for making your Friday night fucking awesome. (I accept tequila shots.)  Film Noir is located at 122 Meserole St. Find Little Dokebi at 85 Driggs Ave.

Free Friday Nights at the Museum of the Moving Image, then dinner at Mars in Astoria

Weekends don’t have to be devoid of culture and full of whisky and regrets. Start yours off on the right foot with free Friday nights at the Museum of the Moving Image! Their ongoing Jim Henson exhibit is just as charming and muppety as you’d hope, and you can get even deeper into the mind of Stanley Kubrick too, if you dare. It’s free 4-8pm. Info here, 36-01 35 Ave. Experience some of the best of Astoria’s dynamic dining scene afterward at Mar’s – 34-21 34th Ave.

Gimme Gimme Disco at Brooklyn Bowl in Williamsburg

Be honest with yourself. All week long you’ve been secretly listening to Abba and this cool groove, just waiting to let your disco fabulousness shine on the dance floor. Why? Because spreadsheets are boring and you’d fall asleep and wake up somewhere in column LLL if you listen to “productive” ambient music all day. Let that disco queen loose this Friday night at Brooklyn Bowl- you know, that venue that has been there the longest and is still one of the most welcoming and hippest places to party? They’ll be doing it again, Abba style this time. Get tickets here now. Go with your friends. Dance all night. Don’t be lame, wear polyester. Doors at 11pm. 61 Wythe Ave.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Saturday

A Dance Party by Freehold in a Bathhouse in Williamsburg

This is why you read my guides, folks. This is why. Because events exist in this sprawling metropolis we inhabit that are so cool they’re like a plunge in an ice bath, they’re so hott you’ll find yourself enveloped in steam, they’re so hidden you’ll find yourself below ground, and they’re so invigorating you’ll feel comfortable being mostly naked and dancing with wet strangers without thinking twice. Such an event is happening this Saturday night when Freehold takes over Bathhouse with admission including full access to all of the bathhouse amenities, plus the groove-inducing DJs you can expect from Freehold. Get your tickets here now and feel comfortable sweating the whole time. It’s why you’re there. 10pm-1:30am at 103 N. 10th St.

House of NO at House of Yes in Bushwick

House of Yes wants to tell you NO this Saturday night.

No phones

No photos

No bullshit

No bad attitudes

No nonsense

No (such thing as) bad dancing

Welcome to the House of No – a hedonistic musical playground designed to inspire you to get off your phone, get in the groove, feel the vibrations of sound, light, and human connection. Jack your body and embrace the shapes of the darkness. Lose yourself in powerful pulsating rhythms of our friends from The Bunker NY. Tickets here. Don’t be scared. 10pm-4am. 2 Wyckoff Ave.

Border Kindness Benefit Show with Hartstop in Bushwick

Come, #revelwithacause at this benefit party in Bushwick. Because we never really need a reason to party, but it’s good if we have one- and really good if we have a really good reason. This dance party will feature some of the city’s best DJs and all proceeds will benefit Border Kindness, an organization that responds to the immediate needs of migrants and refugees, and identifies and assists other organizations that efficiently and justly help the vulnerable in the Mexicali/Calexico Border Region. You might have other excuses to party this Saturday night, but this is the best reason. $10 suggested donation. Info here, DM for address (it’s around Hart and Broadway). Party starts at 6pm and doesn’t stop until you (hart)stop.

Lean into Global Warming with A Midsummer Night’s Dream at BAM in Downtown Brooklyn

Let’s face it, this winter didn’t really exist. And while we need to be doing everything we can to stop our planet from warming ( #bernie ) we can also admit that this warm weather is both harrowing and dreamy. Admit it in the most dramatic way possible with this amazing production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. This encore performance stars Gwendoline Christie (yep, she didn’t die!), and will bring you into an immersive reproduction of Shakespeare’s classic. Get your tickets here. It’s happening at the Peter Jay Sharp Rose Cinema, 30 Lafayette Ave.

Elevation Woman’s Day Party with House of Yes at Paradise Club in Times Square

Break through that glass ceiling by elevating your spirit, your soul, and your sisters this Saturday night. House of Yes joins Elevation to bring this celebration of feminity into the magical space at the Paradise club. Come, run with the wolves and dance with the queens all night. Book a spot at their immersive theater dinner beforehand, “The Devouring” then head downstairs to howl at the moon. Run with the pack starting right here. 11pm-4am, 701 7th Ave.

St. Practice Day at Shillelagh Tavern in Astoria

I know, I know… you certainly don’t need any practice before St. Patrick’s Day. Of course, not you. But real quick, let’s just go through a quick mental inventory of past St. Patrick’s Days that you remember. Were they, perhaps, some of your finest drinking moments? Could you perhaps improve? Did you, at least once, find yourself in or around a pile of green vomit that you swore was ejected from a passing leprechaun? We could all use a little practice before one of the biggest drinking days of the year. Besides, drinking practice is fun. Come do it at the 3rd annual St. Practice Day party at Queens’s most Irish pub. It’s happening all day and night, so get all the practice you need in (plus, watch Liverpool vs Crystal Palace playing on the big screen) Info here.  47-22 30th Ave.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Sunday

Down to Earth Farmers’ Market at McGolrick Park in Greenpoint

Your favorite local farmers’ market is back and wants to bring you back down to earth this Sunday afternoon. The farmers are excited to show you what has already popped up for Spring (we’re predicting an early ramp season here, folks, so get ready!) along with all of the amazing local cheese and bread makers, a few distilleries for good measure, and an always healthy walk-in-the-park. Join them every Sunday from 10am-3pm. Info here. 

Women’s Day Fest at Threes Brewing in Gowanus

Celebrate Woman’s Day in all the best ways in a magical tent space behind a brewery with your entire wolf pack in Gowanus. Threes Brewing will be holding their annual Women’s Day Festival, celebrating female brewers, female musicians, female humans, and everyone else who’s ever loved a woman. It’s free to attend and if you need any further reason to attend this event, find it here, then I’ll see you there. 333 Douglass Street at Threes Brewing- I’ll try anything thrice. 

Dinner + a Movie: Korean Cuisine and a screening of Parasite in Greenpoint

Why, hello there. Let me guess- tickets already sold out for Friday’s showing but you decided not to get discouraged and instead to fill your curious little heart with so many other exciting activities this weekend by reading through my entire guide and now you’ve come here to the end? Well, SURPRISE- there’s a showing of Parasite on Sunday too. I’ll be at this one and so should you. Now get your damn tickets HERE. Let’s have small plates at Little Dokebi after. 

when love is a whisper and hate is a roar it feels hard to know how to speak again.

THURSDAY

Aphrodisiac Indulgence at Brooklyn Oenology, williamsburg.

if you didn’t bring it here, you can likely find it here. love, that is. by way of shamelessly ingesting aphrodisiacs. sure, it’s about compatibility but it’s also about the science and tried-and-true practice of the ancient god of Dionysus- and trust me, he rarely slept alone. let’s not reinvent the wheel here, folks. just open your mouth and your heart. $40 gets you a light dissertation on the science behind these puppies by Slow Food NYC, plus a flight of 4 tastings of sparkling wine and a dozen oysters. 209 wythe ave, 7pm. tickets, here. down the hatch baby.

Threes Brewing 1 Year Anniversary Party, boerum hill.

there is nothing better than the recent and constant influx of new american breweries popping up. especially in urban areas. brooklyn has plenty of fine ones to boast but head over to threes brewing to celebrate their one year anniversary. arrive early to taste some upcoming releases, stay for the favorites. and pay nothing all night. 333 douglass st, 5-10pm let’s all leave work early, eh? two’s a company, threes a motherfucking brewery. let’s go.

i heart vinyl at the panther room, williamsburg.

FRIDAY

Night at the Museum, PS1, long island city.

it’s just like summer warm-up, just inside. and in the winter. but that still means it’s doper than anything else you’ll find happening friday night (unless of course you only consult brooklyn im trying for your weekend plans). exhilarting exhibits, interactive installations, Quebecois-inflected cuisine (yep, that’s exactly what it sounds like), liberating libations, a huge dome set up outside will feature multiple djs all night. plus the entire museum will be open to wandering and imagining you’re on the set of night at the museum from the mixed up files of mrs. basil e frankweiler. $12 in advance, party 8-midnight. it might be sold out already.

Free Nacho Fridays at the diamond, greenpoint.

or for a cheaper and equally inspirational experience, head to free nacho first fridays at the diamond, sponsored by el jefe’s nachoria! 4 varieties every friday- which means that’s just enough hands to eat all of them at once with your significant other. or, yourself at super-human speed. 43 franklin st, 730-11pm.  get some.

Lunar New Year at good room- my favorite place to do bad things

anytime there’s no cover at good room. GO. this time it’s a celebration one year in the making, a chance to abscond all of those mindless resolutions you made two months ago and choose all new ones, with the moon as your guide. all of your favorite lunar characters will be making an appearance on the dance floor (i’m not kidding), plus immersive decor, world-class djs spinning all night, free beer until midnight, and no cover with rsvp. if you can come up with one good excuse not to go to this, i will be immensely impressed. and sad for you. while i drink my free tiger beer and dance with a bunch of humans sharing one massive tiger costume. RSVP right here, right now. 98 meserole st, 10pm-4am. let’s all start fresh.

YEAH! an indie dance party at The Grand Victory, williamsburg.

Wilco (will love you baby) at the Kings Theatre, flatbush.

City of God screening at Videology, williamsburg.

if you’d prefer to chill and watch a movie friday, still get out of your house  by seeing what has been deemed the best foreign film of our time. City of God screening at videology. check out the trailer but really you should just go. this film will move you. and you will be moving, not scrolling through your netflix feed. 7-930, free. 308 bedford ave. get enlightened.

SATURDAY

Drunk Ted Talks: Drunk in Love, williamsburg.

inspiring, informative, entertaining, inebriating! it’s drunk TED talks, and this week it’s tackling the issue of that ish that’s bombarding us in shop windows and taxi cab ads and annoying couples blocking our passage of the sidewalk. the L word. check it out at littlefield in williamsburg, 622 degraw st, 6-9pm. guaranteed to be more worth your time than that swiping habit…

Glamdammit- a david bowie odyssey at the grand victory, williamsburg.

Greenpointer’s Valentine’s Market, greenpoint.

you know exactly what’s going on here- greenpointers are once again saving all of our asses by providing a unique space to scour for unique, heartfelt gifts for your lover, and enjoy doing it. with a long list of all your favorite local artisans, crafts to get your hands dirty, plus music, food, drinks, happiness, and perhaps more than a few restless hearts looking for some warmth this time of year. plus hangover cures! i mean if you’re still reading this i can basically say whatever i want here. just go to the goddamn market, ok? go there. get me something you think i’d like. i’ll willingly give you my address, or meet you atop the empire state building at midnight. word? word. here exists all of the actual relevant information on the event. 1-7pm, 67 west st. you scalawags.

where to eat this weekend

el born, greenpoint. (brunch details above!)

basically i’m suggesting you eat all of your non-superbowl meals here this weekend. in addition to brunch, they also have amazing tapas, paella nights on wednesdays, TWO FOR ONE gin and tonics on thursdays, live flamenco guitar on sundays… and MAHOU on tap. every fucking day of the week. 651 manhattan ave.

where to drink this weekend

 No.7 North

maybe i’m a bit privvy to this place for doing such a good job at keeping me warm during the snowpocolypse, or maybe it’s because it’s one of the raddest spots on manhattan ave. just on the edge of Greepo proper and NoGreePo, it absolutely teems with neighborhood appeal. no frills decor, bartenders and libations served straight-up, and a take-it-or-leave-it attitude that will have you taking it every single time.  check out the ish they’re doing with brooklyn brewery for the super bowl sunday, and also find any excuse, to go any time, all the time. 931 manhattan ave.

reason to cross the river this weekend

the end of the picasso sculpture exhibit at the MOMA.

it really sucks if you haven’t been yet, because this exhibit is amazing. and it’s going to be packed this weekend. go anyway- it’s the largest collection of picasso’s sculptures in one place, ever (don’t hold me to that, ok?) and his sculptures are just as charming, fractured, and impressionable as his paintings.