Let’s face it. Any beach is a nude beach if you take your clothes off. Usually this is illegal… which only means you have to know how to do it, when to do it, and how to seem genuinely apologetic when the cop on horseback catches you with your pants down. 

Here are the rules, or at least the best ways to break them. 

Where is the nude beach on Fort Tilden?

The unofficial nude area of Fort Tilden begins approximately 50 yeards from the end of the “boardwalk”. Walk beyond the protected wildlife area into the wild, unprotected naked human zone. From here, it will begin innocent enough. You’ll stake your claim somewhere halfway between the others, everyone protectively wearing whatever thin and perhaps trendy covering of a bathing suit that separates us from the animals. And then, one by one, you take it all off. It happens politely, as if asking permission. Is everyone ok with this? And then you look around and realize that not only is everyone ok with this, but everyone has been waiting for this. It’s a relief. It’s a release. It’s what happens when you decide you’ve had enough of the grind. It’s what you do when you don’t want to play by the rules. 

Are there certain days when you can be nude at Fort Tilden?

Well no, not officially. But the weekends are way more crowded and thus, more difficult to not have scattered people feeling weird for disrobing. If you’re going to break the law, also play hooky. Go mid-week. You won’t feel creepy, you’ll feel like part of a community. 

Is it legal to be naked on Fort Tilden?

Well no, of course it isn’t. But the important thing to know is that you won’t be offending anyone. We’re all in it, and out of it, together. Just do not fall asleep while naked. There will be cops, they will give you a citation, and you don’t want to be caught red-handed and pink-slipped with your pants down. 

On a recent Tuesday trip, as we were drying off after a rousing tube-enhanced dip, am oldish, tanned, and fully naked man walked up to introduce himself to be and my boyfriend and our stack of inflated tubes. Moments before, I saw in the distance another man approaching. A man, fully-clothed. A man on horseback. A man with a book of unissued citations. 

As the nude beachcomber approached, I warned him. “Hey! Might want to get dressed, the cops!”

“What! Cops! Where!?”

“On horseback, coming this way!” I pointed down the beach.

He ran back to his small, adjacent camp and fumbled to put on his neon Speedo. He fell into the sand, bare-assed. He scrambled, finally securing his small suit just in time. 

I surveyed the area to see that wordlessly, everyone had re-robed. We were all just regular, beach-going upstanding citizens now… except for one. He’d been napping peacefully and naked for nearly an hour. And he was about to get a clip-clopped law-abiding awakening from his slumber. 

“Excuse me sir,” the cop said.

“What? Whoa!” the nude napper said. 

“Yeah. Sir I’d like to know why you are naked, here, in a public area.”

Nude Napper looks around. “Well, I mean, because everyone is…” he keeps searching. We all look like strangers, traitors, innocently back in our clothes. 

“Keep looking around, buddy. You’re the only one.” The cop said, as the Nude Napper uncomfortably pulled on his shorts and was issued a citation.

 As the cop trodded off, we all slowly disrobed again, together. The oldish, nude beachcomber re-approached us. “Hey! Thanks for the warning. I gotta stick with you guys!” And then we all shook hands which felt hilariously formal given the circumstances. 

How much trouble can you actually get in for being naked on the beach?

I have no idea. And if this is something you’re concerned about, just keep your shorts on and head to the Hamptons. Where simply saying the f-word too loudly on the beach will get you locked up.