City love. It’s visceral. It’s irrepressible. It’s all around us because let’s face it, such is life here. There is no privacy, there is no retreat. And we find that we are all searching for it, that city love. We are all, always, on the prowl. Where is it. Who is he. What’s she like. Could that be for me? 

City love. It’s elusive. It overtakes us, it displaces us. It forces us to pause indefinitely because of train traffic ahead of us. It’s public embraces, it’s the single silhouette of two, in the glow of any apartment on any street in any neighborhood.  And some day, it will cause you to find yourself crying by yourself, among strangers, on the subway.

City love. It can be yours, they say, if you stop looking for it and instead, start doing what you love. That’s what it said on a card that I have kept on my desk for 8 years and 7 job changes and admittedly, at least 12 fairly serious relationships.

So, stop looking for it. And start doing all of the amazing things that will convince you that the city is yours; that you are in the right place, at the right time.

I can show you how. 

Munchies Cookbook Club at Archestratus in Greenpoint

Get the munchies with your friends this Thursday night at Archetratus. It’s their monthly cookbook club meeting, which is basically a themed potluck dinner that centers around a different cookbook each time. This week’s we’ll all be cooking up something special from the Munchies Guide to Dinner, so you know it will be delicious and fun and better than whatever you were thinking about cooking tonight. So cook and then come and make sure you put that trusty little piece of masking tape with your name on it on the bottom of your dish; potluckers have notoriously sticky fingers. (I’m kidding, but my mom definitely didn’t trust anyone at my church growing up) Info here. 7-9pm, 160 Huron St.

Tell Two Trees where to put their Two Towers at this meeting in Williamsburg

Hey. Have you been to Domino Park recently? Have you seen that massive, interactive mural they installed to distract us from the fact that they are throwing up massive skyscrapers with no hesitation as to who the hell will move into the mostly vacant skyscrapers that are already there, nor the very necessary need for additional infrastructure to support these overwhelming structures? Well, the lovely people at Two Trees (you know, the guys that Scabby likes to follow around) will be holding a meeting to introduce us to their tower proposal, which, for the record, we simply don’t need. Let’s tell them that. RSVP here, it’s happening from 6:30-8:30pm at 240 Kent Ave.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Friday

There’s almost no reason you shouldn’t be doing all of the things I’ve already perfectly planned for you this Friday night right here, in my 2020 Valentine’s Day Guide…

Unless of course, you have some weird fetish that you can no longer contain…

Fetish Party at House of Yes in Bushwick

Hey listen, I get it. You’re into some weird shit, sexually. And in case you feel like Valentine’s Day dinner isn’t the place to bring it up, just wear your latex under your dress and bring your spiked collar and convince your date to head to House of Yes afterward… or just go without him. Because you can’t, and don’t have to, contain your true desires any longer. Tickets and info here. Costumes required.  10pm-4am, 2 Wyckoff Ave.

Or you just really hate Valentine’s Day. 

It’s Friday, I’m (not) In Love Party at Littlefield, Gowanus

Valentine’s Day is annoying. There’s nothing worse than receiving a dozen red roses and a Russell Stover’s sampler from your “person” on February 14th and wondering if he’s ever listened to a fucking word you’re saying. Valentine’s Day is not real. Heartbreak is real. Ghosting is real (and effective!) Making love in the bathroom is real. Celebrate real love or the lack thereof this Friday night at Littlefield. Wear all black, prizes for creativity. $6-10, party starts at 10:30pm. all info here. 635 Sackett St.

Makossa joins Almost Too Much at Magick City in Greenpoint

What happens to your favorite cookout party group in the wintertime? Do they hibernate? Does the glow of the coals turn a cold, frosty grey? Does anything get shoved between their buns at all? Come and find all of the magickal answers to those questions this Friday night at Magick City. Makossa will be bringing the summer party indoors and partnering with Almost Too Much to throw an amazing dance party, all night. Stop by Le Fanfare first for a custom cocktail made by yours truly (ps I use “custom” quite loosely here). Tickets and info here. 11pm-4am at 37 Box St.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Saturday

Phil Collins Day at Greenpoint Beer and Ale

Things that Greenpoint loves- Phil Collins, locally-brewed beer, and long-awaited openings. Come and celebrate all of these things at the same time this Saturday! It’s Phil Collins Day at the FINALLY open Greenpoint Beer and Ale. They’ll have a live cover band, tons of records and memorabilia, and raffle prizes. Confused about why Greenpoint loves Phil so much? After Brooklyn claimed an official Day after the beloved singer in 2011, Greenpoint parade on this day through the neighborhood, complete with a live, marching cover band. And Greenpoint Ale is just trying to bring that spirit back. Come, help. It’s free and starts at 3pm. Info here. 1150 Manhattan Ave.

Nasty Baby Strip Club Takeover by House of Yes in Midtown West

Because I swear me and the writer over at House of Yes share the same voice, I’ll just let them take it from here: Valentine’s Weekend is upon us, which means expensive dinners, cheesy gifts, and underwhelming sex. Instead, invest your money into something of real value: STRIPPERS. Nasty Baby returns on Saturday February 15 – our infamous strip club takeover where we remodel a manhattan strip club into everything a strict club should be: inclusive, sex-positive, gender-fluid, sex-worker affirming, flesh-filled utopia.

Go. Dance. Celebrate nudity. Tickets and info here. This party is NOT at House of Yes- it’s at 603 W. 45th St, which makes it your only #reasontocrosstheriverthisweekend

The Last Dance Party at Humboldt & Jackson in Williamsburg

It’s so sad when great places close in this town, but I must say, this one is especially bittersweet. Our wonderful friends at H&J will be turning their amazing space over to the Meat Hook to give them their first-ever stand-alone restaurant, which means only good, meaty things to come in the future. But go down with the ship in style this Sunday night with their “Save the Last Dance” Dance Party. It’s free and it’s fun it deserves you to pay it some funky homage before it leaves us. Info here. 434 Humboldt St.

Grand Street Restaurant Week, Williamsburg

Ah, restaurant week in New York- a highly anticipated and seemingly a great way to have a new experience for a great value! …And then you get there and it’s overrun with people who don’t know how to dine out and the food lets you down and everyone is on top of each other and you order too many drinks to deal with your frustration and then you’re paying way way more than anticipated for a mediocre experience… which I guess is also exactly what it’s like to live in Manhattan. Let’s just do this shit our own way. It’s Grand Street Restaurant Week, and just as every time you’ve ever subbed one experience for another across the river, it will be so much grander on our side. 15 amazing restaurants, it starts on TUESDAY but get your reservations in now. all info you need is here, including menus! Along Grand St. 

Things to do in Brooklyn on Sunday

Tiki Disco at House of Yes in Bushwick

When your favorite party group and your favorite venue/family in Brooklyn get together, you go. And you dance. And you revel in the pure unadulterated joy that you live in a place where events like this exist. Tiki Disco hits House of Yes for their last indoor party of the season before we can all party under the moonlight with them all summer long. Besides, Monday is “President’s Day.” Let’s show respect for that dick bag we have in office and be hungover as shit and completely worthless and still somehow be more productive than he is. Tickets and info here, $15-20. 10pm-4am, 2 Wyckoff Ave. 

Mouse Taxidermy at Quimby’s Bookstore in Williamsburg

God bless you, Brooklyn. This weekend marks the return of one of my favorite events of all time- that’s right folks, it’s mouse taxidermy! Our best chance this weekend to reduce that frightening 3:1 rodent to human ration in this city (no joke, you’re never more than 20 feet from one…) (GAHHHHHHH.) In the back of the always charming and quirky Quimby’s bookstore this Sunday, you’ll be led through a beginner’s taxidermy course led by Daisy Tainton, who worked at the Museum of Natural History for over a decade and promises she’s handled a lot nastier shit than dead mice during her career. So go, shake her hand, and leave with your own little mousey sculpture (props available!) Also, I can’t completely confirm this, but in the past she’s offered an extra mouse head for an additional $50. So bring $50 just in case. All info here. Also bring your cat. Show him you really are on his side. 536 Metropolitan Ave.

Hotbox Mobile Sauna Pop-Up in Bushwick

Was your red-hot weekend of love a little lukewarm this year? Don’t fret it, baby… sweat it. Our favorite little hot box will be opening its doors (but you know, just like for a quick moment each time) this Sunday so you can get hot with some strangers. Hot Box is a traveling sauna and it’s guaranteed to cure those winter blues and the chill in your bones and potentially the loneliness in your heart. Reserve your spot here, and maybe just hold onto your sauna hat unless you see other people wearing them. 2-6pm. 26 Vandervoort Pl.

can i tell you something? i don’t want to say it too loud, so lean in.

come on, get closer.

(i think that winter is over.)

YEP. i said it. and that means a few things here:

1. we have got to stop listening to that groundhog for our seasonal weather reports.
2. let’s throw all of our scarves and hats and cloves into the back of the closer and strip away layers of clothing along with our inhibitions and throw caution to the wind.
3. meet me in the park and let’s drink until the sun goes down then dance on a rooftop until it greets us again this and let summer start within us, to hell with what the calendar says.

and so what if we’re wrong? if it gets cold again and then we can’t find our gloves and hats? let’s believe it and live it right now. because that’s why we live here, to squeeze every moment and extract a more significant life out of the fruits of our labors.

and in that case, consider me a juicer, baby. because i’ve squeezed out all the best ways to get after it this weekend and i’m serving it to you in a cool and frothy glass, ripe and ready for the drinkin’ and i call it your weekend guide.

drink up, it’s all here for you.

THURSDAY

Hand Pulled Noodles of Xi’an at MOFAD, Williamsburg.

Two Step Lessons at Threes Brewing in Gowanus

step 1 – head down gowanus. step 2 – get pulled onto the dance floor semi-unwillingly for a two-step lesson. step 3 – drink what threes been brewing three times. 4 – feel loose and git your two step on. 5 – repeat, repeat, threepeat. lesson starts at 845pm, blue steel starts at 930 and won’t stop until you stop steppin’. (so don’t stop steppin.) all info here, 333 douglass st at threes brewing – i’ll try anything thrice.

 

FRIDAY

Dolly Parton Lookalike Contest at Mable’s Smokehouse, Williamsburg

Private Party with Rinsed, somewhere in Bushwick. 

Good Room turns 4! Anniversary Party in Greenpoint.

can you believe it’s been 4 whole years since the good room was born from the remains of the old club europa? 4 years of us partying our asses off, all night, to some of the best house music this town has to offer? 4 years of finally finding a worthy place to do bad things? well, let’s commemorate it all friday night by celebrating such an epic anniversary and of course pretend that we haven’t aged a bit. taakaki itoh and iori spin tunes all night. $15, tickets and info here. and hey brooklyn, here’s to 4 more years of being bad. 98 meserole ave.

 

809 Project Fundraiser at Bar Matchless, Greenpoint.

while we are all riled up and resisting and fighting for so many things we took for granted before the toupeed cheeto took office, let’s make sure we’re also using this momentum and passion to help people outside of our country who are in need. saturday night at bar matchless in greenpoint come jam out to 7 bands as part of the 809 project, a cross-genre arts festival that helps raise awareness and funds for issues in the dominican republic. saturday night’s event goes to support the dream project, a non-profit focusing on early childhood education and development. tickets are only $15 and are available here. 7pm, 557 manhattan ave #revelwithacause

Super Powers Dance Party at House of Yes, Bushwick.

the atmosphere at house of yes has us all feeling like we have super powers. aerial acrobatics, extracurricular habits, pink rabbits… and those bathrooms. let’s all dress the part saturday night at their super powers dance party. come dressed as your favorite super hero, comic book character, or just wear something wacky and make up a name, an ability, an adventure. their all-resident dj lineup is guaranteed to have you movin’ all night. free before 11pm! tickets and other info here. 2 wyckoff ave at house of yes means no means yes means no means yes, yes  yes.

ah yes, it’s OSCARS sunday! check out my top neighborhood picks below and drink all of the champagne you can handle. because why not. #campaignforchampagne

The Diamond, Greenpoint.

i love this bar. and you should too, if for no other reason than their reference to “dark lord cheeto” on this poster and the fact that there will be “oscar meyers in blankets” at the party. and, of course, the 7-minutes in heaven gondola out back. this is the oscars party you want to go to. starts at 6pm. all other info here. 43 franklin st.

Northern Territory, Greenpoint.

Humboldt & Jackson, Williamsburg.

so you wanna get fancy? you still don’t have to cross the river. head to humboldt & jackson’s oscars party. get glammed out and walk the red carpet (for real), participate in a best dressed contest, document how good you look dressed up in their photo booth, and win raffle prizes. plus drink specials and oh yeah, the oscars.  you can watch them here. rsvp required, do so here now. party starts at 7pm. 434 humboldt st.

you’re all winners in my book.

<3L.

it’s the first week of december. let’s check in. holiday hangovers in full swing? have you picked last year’s dried eggnog vomit off of your tacky sweater? should i even bring up christmas shopping? let’s face it… we’re all just  waking up from our turkey comas and shaking off that residual “don’t talk about the election” tension from thanksgiving. so give yourself a break this weekend. push off any other holiday obligations for a few days. clear your mind and your heart but don’t rest that liver, or  those eyes. ’tis the weekend to be selfish.

besides, there aren’t that many more chances to secure your coveted spot on santa’s naughty list. come with me, brooklyn. let’s put the “fiesta” in… fiestive.

THURSDAY

ImageDrink at Berg’n, Carroll Gardens

a meet-and-greet that’s drawing themed. why? because do you have any better ideas on how to meet people in this city? cool. well Berg’n does, and it’s happening thursday night. ice-breaking drawing games to warm you up this season, supplies and holiday-themed festivities (including a collaborative mural!) by ThinkDraw. $10, 7-10pm, more info here. 899 bergen st at Berg’n, where the E is so strong, you only need one.

FRIDAY

Brooklyn Rugby Calendar Release and Date Auction at Littlefield, Gowanus.

mmm nothing makes being single more obvious than the holidays. all those christmas party invites, your mother relentlessly commenting about your lack of a boyfriend at dinner, and the extra layer of weight you put on all make it very obvious that you are going home alone at night. wellllll, not friday night. not fucking friday night. bring home a burly brooklyn rugby player AND a calendar, and feel good about it, in more ways than 3. it’s the brooklyn rugby calendar release party and date auction and it’s at littlefield friday night, in all of its burly ruggedness. all info here, 9pm-2am, 622 degraw st. at littlefield.

The Bushwick Starr Holiday Party, at The Bushwick Starr, in Bushwick.

Blunderland Variety Show, House of Yes, Bushwick

who knows how many more opportunities we’ll have to get on the naughty list this year? this, for sure, will be one of them. it’s a holiday-themed burlesque, cabaret, circus variety show at house of yes and that means anything goes. and comes. and you will leave shocked and entertained and well a whole lot of useful ideas. 7-10pm, $15 tickets and details here, 2 wyckoff ave at house of yes, where they put the wonder in wonderland.

The Bell House Holiday Striptease, Gowanus. 

well folks i’ve spoken too soon. there are actually plenty of opportunities to secure your spot on the naughty list, if you haven’t already. come to the bell house friday night for the it’s too damn early holiday strip tease. that’s right folks. because when i combine my anger at christmas decorations and holiday activities all happening too far before the actual hoilday with all of the calories i so nearsightedly consumed over thanksgiving, i just want to take my clothes off in protest. (i mean it actually doesn’t sound that bad… i’ll do it if you do it.) let’s all do it. together. friday night at the bell house, featuring the most festive lady and fella strippers from wasabassco. 730pm, $20 tickets and other info here. 149 7th st. at the bell house, just be there with… something on. or nothing. whatever.

Grand Wonderland along Grand St, Williamsburg.

Treetops presents Let Them Eat Cake at House of Yes, Bushwick

i know what you’ve been thinking… if only there was a french-revolution themed party. where i could finally wear my best liaison dangereuse get-up and get down with other aristocratic provocateurs, some performing aerial acrobatics, some of them popping out of pastries and cakes, marie antoinette will be there having all of the layers of her decadent attire eaten off of her while we all dance around a flaming organ. guys, THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. yeah. so, i don’t know- find yourself a place to fit in among all of that madness, or simply come. and partake in this event. saturday night, 10pm-5am, tickets $30-45 buy here and read their rad explanation of the event.  2 wyckoff ave at house of yes, where you and i become oui!

SUNDAY

American Field Pop-Up Market, Brooklyn Expo Center, Greenpoint.

wanna know something, brooklyn? i’m your secret santa. have been the whole time. will be always, as long as you’ll have me. and this your gift. this, of course, and my undying love and affection. you’re welcome.

<3L.

THURSDAY

The Wild Honey Pie’s 7th Birthday Bash at Union Pool, Williamsburg.

so i have a confession to make- i want to be the wild honey pie. despite my generally sweet and definitively unbridled nature, and my tendency to respond quite well to a little heat, cornstarch, and when enveloped warmly in flaky pastry, i still can’t get in there. so, i’ll go to this. where there will be cake and games and performance and high brew coffee will have free coffee and coffee-infused cocktails to equally liven up and generally confuse your desired thursday night high. i’ll agree not to mind if you do. $15 all info here, 7pm-midnight, 484 union ave at union pool- pool me once, no shame in that.

Sensory Speed Dating, House of Yes, Bushwick.

because it seems now that dating decisions are decided by impulsive reactions based on 5 photos followed by the very few nerve endings in our fingertip as it swipes right. house of yes, as always, offers us a refreshing and edgy alternative to anything in our normal lives. thursday’s events welcomes a more obtrusive yet let judgmental dating option. that you want to do, just close your eyes and stick out your tongue and trust me. it’s sensory dating. rely on none of your senses, just your perception. described in such better ways here. (hint: hold on to the blindfold) $25-30  2 wyckoff ave AT house of YES, there all senses say YES.

Spanish Oil + Vinegar Tasting at Eastern District, Williamsburg, Brooklyn. 

let’s be honest. there is always time for spanish wine because it’s always time for spanish wine. every waking hour. so when then do you make time for spanish olive oil and vinegar? eastern district in NoGreePo has our answer. thursday night, 5-7pm. free tasting of the aformentioned but oft-neglected delicacies. come interested, leave intrigued, then let’s all go get 2-for-1 or 4-for-2 G&T’s at el born to finally satiate or spark our spanish desires. 5-7pm at eastern district, 1053 manhattan ave. 5pm-toda la noche at el born, address. because you were el born this way.

FRIDAY

Glamdammit presents The Brats, at Gold Sounds in Bushwick.

to live in brooklyn is to live vicariously throughout so many decades of influential music and wish we could forget fashion statements. well let’s just embrace all of them, friday night. our funky fresh favorites at glamdammit! bring us the brats, contemporaries of blondie and the ramones and the new york dolls and kiss, to say the least. jam the fuck out and forget your age and the year and remember, only, the beat. and of course that time is fucking relative. free, all other info here. 11am-4pm, 44 wilson ave. at gold sounds, where silent isn’t golden.

Closing Week at Rooftop Reds at the Navy Yard. 

this is the last week for open hours at rooftop reds. which, if you haven’t been reading or paying attention or altogether drinking wine at subpar altitudes, you need to be there. the only urban winery in the greatest urban area, and the wines, even without all of this, would speak for themselves. add hammocks and sunsets and ladder golf and corn hole and it all adds up to no excuses. they’ll be open friday 4-9pm, sat 2-10pm. plus there’s a damn goo dsale on wine. all info here, find them at 4th st at the navy yard.

 

 

SATURDAY

NY Adventure Club ventures into Jamaica, Queens.

all of new york is always just at our fingertips. even the hidden parts, the ones that seem completely unattainable… you just have to seek them with an open heart and mind. and as chance favors those who are prepared, prepare yourself for this event with (none other) than the ny adventure club. venture to the absolutely breathtaking and aptly spanish-inspired loews valencia wonder theater, in jamaice queens. all info here, 11am-1pm. 16511 jamaica ave.

 

The Derbi. at your favorite soccer bar, in brooklyn or madrid. 

BROOKLYN BAZAAR, Greenpoint.

mmm do you have any idea how often I get sick of commanding, week after week, that you hit up the brooklyn bazaar?  NEVER. I absolutely never get sick of it. Because the bazaar is a beautiful gift, one that keeps giving, and give to it we must. this weekend it invites you to come dance and boogie down all night with diet cig, adult mom, and THICK, and all the other funky magic you’ve ever dreamed of – in the form of foods and games and karaoke and all the best prizes. free entry, right at your fingertips. all other details waiting for you right here. 150 greenpoint ave at the brooklyn bazaar, get weird.

Elevation at House of Yes, Bushwick.

bring it back to the house of yes saturday night with satori’s monthly installation, elevation. it’s your best chance to make bad decisions this weekend to get there and be bad. it’ll feel so so good. tickets $25-40 purchased here. at house of yes- where they don’t take no for an answer.

SUNDAY

First Weekend at the Holiday Market, Union Square.

Vegan Thanksgiving Pop-Up, Haymakers Corner Store, Williamsburg.

<3L.

Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

THURSDAY

Lagunitas Brewing presents a dope free show at the Brooklyn Night Bazaar, Greenpoint. 

Swatch Party at Good Room, Greenpoint.

but i mean if it’s a party at good room, i’ll do what i have to do. come to this. i know nothing more about it, but it’s thursday and friday and well… i’ll be swatching our for you. 98 meserole ave. at good room – where you don’t have to be bad to get in but… nothing feels better.

Tainted Love, 80s Dance Party at the Bell House, Gowanus.

this tainted love you give… it’s so, so much better than no love at all. let’s go move it and shake it at the bell house for 980s dance night, the cure for well… thursday nights with no love at all. event is free, 10pm until the love runs out. or the taints come out. either way, i ain’t gonna be caught with my pants down. info here. 149 7th st at the bell house – you rang?

FRIDAY

Bob Moses at Terminal 5, in that rather shitty area of manhattan. 

60 Shots for 60 Shorts Power Hour at Creek and Cave, Long Island City.

Dave Chapelle’s Block Party “Screening” (but actually it’s another party) in Fort Greene Park.

SATURDAY

NYC Beer Tour, Brooklyn Kitchen, Williamsburg. 

OKTOBERFEST

SUNDAY

Bulletin Market’s closing weekend, Williamsburg.

World Maker Faire in Flushing.

just like the world’s fair of our fathers, over 650 inventors and tinkerers and thinkerers and you. go to this. just thinking about it makes my bells and whistles all AHOOOGAH and my sprockets steam and my eyes bug out, like that guy up there. $35/day, $65 weekend pass. everything else here. 47-01 111th st.

 

SUNDAY

The Last Tiki Disco, in Bushwick.

we bid you a solemn and hopefully farewell, tiki disco. oh keeper of our summertime souls and all of those memories we have strategically forgotten. let’s get it in one more time this sunday at 261 moore st. this site is more informative than mine is.  www.tikidisco.com/

And we’ll be waiting here for you, of course, right where you left us. (forever.)

 

Oktoberfest also Lives On at The Habitat, Greenpoint.

holy shit, you still want to drink more big beers? and sing big songs? and eat big sausages? you savage animal! you wiley wildebeast! you positively preposterious platypus! (why are you still reading this) (also you’re not alone) info here. Oktoberfest continues at the habitat- where all beasts find a home.

<3L.

ok folks let’s check in here. it’s august 18th- how many hot dogs have you had this summer? at what shade is your summer skin? do you know where your unborn children are? well not to panic here or anything but TIME IS RUNNING OUT. get out there and make some bad decisions and get a sunburn and smother yourself in mustard. and then rinse off in a chilled rosé shower. and then jump in the ocean, or hug a stranger or I DON’T KNOW ok? but i’m panicking. let’s all take a deep breath of this hot luscious august air and attack these last few weeks, together. with our sweaty palms squished tightly against each other.

come with me. and don’t you dare look back.

THURSDAY

Happy Hour at The Break Vintage, Bushwick.

REVEAL at the Warsaw, Greenpoint.

the warsaw is an old polish national house in greenpoint where you can see everything from monsters wrestling, community bingo night, and progressive musicians doing progressive things. thursday night will transform the cafeteria-event hall into an exhibit showcasing the best current and local artists in film, fashion, music, art, performance and everything else it says in that handy graphic above. there will be a runway show, a medley of live music, interactive visual art galleries and living hair and makeup statuettes on pedestals that will make you question hair, makeup, and humanity. go to this event and be amazed at the limitless nature of art and performance. tickets, $20 can be purchased here. hang up the hooligan garb you normally wear to the warsaw, it’s cocktail attire. so get fancy. 7-11pm, 261 driggs. info and tickets here. because nothing says raw like cocktail dresses and human statuettes.

Pizza Night at Archestratus Books, Greenpoint.

Olympics Viewing Party and Photography Exhibit, Brooklyn Museum, Prospect Heights. 

if you haven’t taken the opportunity to tune out all of this political bullshit and celebrate america and watch the olympics, there is hope for you not. and you are a curmudgeon. for everyone else, come watch the olympics in a rad sculpture garden and then be moved by the photography exhibit Who Shot Sports, a collection of prolific photos from the olympics, 1843-present. 8-10pm, free, 200 eastern parkway. info here.

FRIDAY

Out for Drinks with Orr Shtuhl at Archestratus, Greenpoint. 

i remember my first beer. and have a feeling that i will remember the one i have friday night, at archestratus, but i gotta be honest- i’ve forgotten a hell of a lot of the ones in between. make and share some memories at everyone’s favorite bookstore in NoGreePo. Orr Stuhl shares his love of beers, brewing, and the persistance of memory- and how alcohol inevitably affects it. $14 includes a beer, all info here, 7pm at archestratus books, 160 huron st. 

End of Summer Party, Bushwick Public House, Bushwick. 

it’s mid-august in brooklyn, not september in ibiza. there is absolutely no need to promote everything as if it’s the last weekend and we’re never going to see sunlight or bare knees again. however, that does not mean we should hesitate to celebrate sunlight and bare knees. and do so with all of our closest friends and a slew of impressive fucking djs (DJs Simon Sez, Ella Hu$$le, Reez, and Beazy Hype) at the bushwick public house, for free, on friday night. 1288 myrtle ave, the bushwick public house- they put the lick in public(k).

SATURDAY

LIC Block Party, Long Island City, Queens.

it’s so important that we support or neighbors to the north, and they make it mega easy with events like this. live music! interactive performances! arts and crafts to buy or make! artisanal foods! bespoke cocktails! hint: this is everything you like, and it’s for all ages! so you know… those friends of yours who you’ve shunned because they had babies can come. or keep shunning them. up to you. all info here, noon-5pm, purves st & 43 avenues. i’m going to this but between you and me, that street name gives me the willies.

Brooklyn Crab Festival at Mirrors, Williamsburg.

pinch me i must be dreaming! crabs in brooklyn? this photo says it all, but if you really need more of my words… well, that is rather shellfish. it’s crabs, and a good old fashioned cajun boil. there will be beers too. and other things to drink. here is a pulsd deal you should use and here is all the other info. 284 grand st at mirrors, where all your reflections are grand!

Bulletin Market Pop-Up, Williamsburg.

because all of our blacktops should be markets before they become something sad. be happy this weekend at the bulletin market in that sacred space on driggs, before its replaced by granite countertops and mundanity let’s not take it for granted. driggs and n. 8th st. check it out and rsvp here!

The Enchanted Realm of Rene Magritte, Governors Island.

because the only way to get inside his head seems to be to get outside your own, governor’s island brings us a uniquely immersive dive deep into the complex subconscious of rene magritte, surrealist visionary and artistic genius. or mad man. of which there is little difference, of course.  the exhibit runs through 25 sept but go now. $15 tickets and info here, at house 17, nolan park, governors island. one thing you won’t regret this weekend- magritte.

PS1 Summer Warm-Up, Long Island City.

This LIC summertime party institution also has a permanent residency on my weekend guide, from now through labor day. so i recommend checking the schedule and either choosing based on the tunes or your own availability (this is not a “oh i have a few hours, i’ll check it out” kind of affair. it will take all of your saturday and at least 3/4 of the mental space of your sunday. and it will all be worth it.) tickets here. i’m already heatin’ up.

oh and don’t forget to check out the tent of secrets, located in the back of the arboretum in the sculpture garden.

Chances with Wolves at Threes Brewing, Gowanus. 

this is the greatest dj duo in brooklyn, spinning at my new favorite brooklyn brewery. you must go. and you must dance. because you miss 100% of the chances you don’t take, especially if wolves are involved. 333 douglass st. 2-8pm. at threes brewing- i’ll try anything thrice.

 or, here are your other sunday options…

<3L.

it’s the last weekend of cold weather guys. forever. so let’s celebrate by dismissing it all together and getting out.

THURSDAY

mmm wild honey pie- so sweet and edgy. i don’t need to say too much more than these guys are on the pulse of all of the amazing new music in the city, and bring it to you cheap and usually at baby’s all right and just take my advice and go. tonight, the EP release from step rockets and joined by friends george clanton and glassio. tickets are just a click away! $10. 148 broadway, or just listen for the sounds of baby’s feeling all right.

One if by Land, Two if by Sea- Reception and Show, 

Quetzal Bus Welcome Home and Fundraiser, House of YES, Bushwick.

well that explains a lot. that goddamn purple bus has some connection to House of Yes (where they don’t take no for an answer), and it sounds like it does some pretty dope ish. just arriving back from burning man, our indigo friend has some adventures to share and rubber to burn so come to the help raise funds and elevate your senses, the party goes 9pm until the wee wee hours and here;s hoping we all get to have one hell of a trip aboard. tickets, $11.35 for whatever reason. 2 wyckoff ave. bus or bust.

Paul Raffaele at Good Room, Greenpoint.

you know what i love about fridays? trying to pretend to be a civilized adult in the workplace after going to an event like this. it’s actually been proven that the older you get, your midweek bad decisions get a little bit riskier, your reasons not to make them get arguably more valid, your capacity to hide it all at the workplace the next day requires much more creativity. (“no i just went to the eye doctor, i have to wear these all day.” “no, i rubbed isopropyl alcohol all over my body to try to combat the bed bugs that are surely infesting our entire borough as we speak.” “no, this isn’t a flask. turn your swivel chair around, bob. just turn it around and do that little typing thing you like to do.”) do not succumb to the idea of adulthood that society has created for you! go see paul raffaele instead at good room- my favorite place to do bad things, as an adult. everything you need to know, right here.

FRIDAY

Brooklyn Folk Festival, St. Ann’s Church, Brooklyn Heights.

how brooklyn does a folk fest. with storytelling, cozy Q&As with the artists, instrument-making workshops and lots and lots and lots of music- the feel-good kind. all weekend, details and tickets here. 157 Montague St, $20-25, folk me all night.

Ben Harper at Rough Trade, Williamsburg.

SATURDAY

Hangover Cure Brunch, Brooklyn Kitchen, Greenpoint.

Luminous Flux, Flux Factory, Queens. 

Drunk Ted Talks at Littlefield, Gowanus.

Anti-Establishment Hubaloo at Industry City Distillery, Sunset Park.

SUNDAY

Sweetness & Mischief at Cloud City, Williamsburg. 

UNFINISHED exhibit at the old Whitney/the new Met Breuer, UES. 

where to eat this weekend

Cafe Mogador, 133 Wythe Ave, Williamsburg.

where to drink this weekend

things i’m doing this weekend… that don’t include fooling my readers for any events happening friday.

THURSDAY

Indigo Shibori Workshop, Dusty Rose Vintage, Greenpoint.

don’t dingy whites make you want to dye. ME. TOO. come learn the ancient practice of shibori dyeing with apprvl nyc this thursday at dusty rose vintage and leave with new and revamped textiles and the ability to turn any fabric into a deep indigo dream. oh also- they will have wine. bring your own clothing to breathe fresh life into and use fabrics, tools, and dyes provided. tickets HERE. 7-9pm at dusty rose, 251 greenpoint ave. wine and dye me, baby.

Ryan Hemsworth, Output, Williamsburg. 

AH, i love ryan hemsworth. if you’re not familiar with his stuff listen to this tune on repeat a few times and you’ll get what i’m saying. he’s right in the midst of this amazing electro-R&B-soul scene and he’s playing at output, tomorrow. somehow i got on a secret list (might have something to do with my impending celebrity… might also have something to do with every other brooklyn listerv i’m subscribed to. you choose) (don’t.) and i have 4 +1’s. come be one of them. 74 wythe ave, i’ll be at the back of the club tryin’ to call your phone. if you aren’t there. (that’s a line from the song.) (but i’ll actually do it if you leave me your number. and some love. in my comments area.)

In Memory of Michael, a live show by Atomic Funk Project, Brooklyn Bowl, Williamsburg.

atomic funk project brings you all of their big-band funk, soul, and bluesy groovin’ energy to play michael jackson’s off-the-wall album in its entirety, plus other funky classics! doors at 6pm, show at 8pm. tickets, $10, 61 wythe ave. I’ll bring the funk.

FRIDAY

New Orleans Crawfish Boil, The Hall at MP Taverna, Williamsburg. 

all night. spicy creole cuisine and funky fresh lowlands bands can’t be bad. I’ll buy your ticket if you can tell me the difference between a crayfish, a crawfish, and a crawdad (leave it in the comments!) tickets here, bands start at 6 but music and crustaceans will be crackin’ all night long baby. at MP Tavern, 470 driggs ave. shell i save you a dance?

First Friday’s Nachos with El Jefe Nachoria, The Diamond, Greenpoint.

nachos cheese torched before your eyes, just after they ask for it. because they are naughty nachos that give themselves away for free. go, partake. i won’t tell anyone. nachoing begins at 730pm. beers run all day, all night. 43 franklin st. get tipsy and chipsy.

Light Painting at Little Water Radio, South Street Seaport, Lower Manhattan. 

be part of the installation, just by gettin’ in the groove… and finding your reason to cross the river this weekend.  part of the Out to See festival, this performance art exhibit meets dance party meets flashlight tag all-night event will have you performance-dancing, questioning who your friends are, and dodging seizures until the wee hours. 7-midnight, 192 front st. lighten up.

24-hour Creation Loop, The Wise Guys House, Bushwick.

it’s like double-dutch but with artistic endeavors. jump in and help keep this 24-hour loop of creation alive by contributing anything from sculpting, filming, rapping, drawing, web development, car painting, live theater, zombie dancing and so, so much more. at The Wise Guys House (this is an apartment, by the way), 154 Ellery St. i will be contributing my talent for shadow puppets of past presidents’ countenances, so don’t take that one. don’t be out of the loop.

**disclaimer- the information about this event disappeared almost as quickly as i reported on it, shrowding it an added layer of april-fools-day-mystery-or-foolery. so super rad if you decide to go. report back, ok?

Live Music at Milk and Roses, Greenpoint.

this enchanting little gem in NoGreePo beckons you in with its rustic charm- antique books line the walls, a baby grand piano with a live pianist nightly, a hidden garden in the back with gnomes peeking out of the bushes, giggling and chirping just ever so perceptively. oh yeah, and their cocktails are dope. live music every friday so pop in and get lost in there, for a while.

One Night Only, McCarren Hotel, Williamsburg.

ah, brooklyn! relentlessly redeeming yourself from inflating rents with dope parties like this.

one night only, until next month! 10pm-2am, this season’s first of a summer-long partnership of rooftop pool parties at the mccarren park hotel. so what if it’s still cold. so what if it’s supposed to rain. so what if you can come up with any other excuse that you find valid- so what if you find me there? i’ll let you buy me a drink, of course. 160 N 12th st. dive in.

SATURDAY

Gastronomista Cocktail Brunch at Le Fanfare, Greenpoint.

i mean, it’s too late- it’s already happening. BMW is starting a “communal work gallery” two blocks from my house, i’m getting priced out of my apartment next month (anyone in for protesting, a la the goonies?) and vogue’s darling le fanfare is holding this gastronomista brunch with saveur magazine’s cocktail winner of the year. the upside? these fancy drinks are only $5, and the food is damn good. the bad news? the neighborhood is gone, guys. but let’s get some good grub while they still let us.1130-4pm, 1103 Manhattan Ave.

Smorgasburg’s Seasonal Initiation, at the waterfront in Williamsburg.

for a foodie event of a different color, let’s all put on our ponchos and head over to christen the season of food booths and beer sleuths (read: those who carry out thorough and relentless beer investigations) over at the waterfront. it’s smorgasburg season, baby. and you know what that means. all of the wonderful things and all of the wonderful people in that wonderful spot on the east river. for a look at this season’s vendors, check here. to realize that you are going to go no matter what, as long as porchetta keeps squeezing that weird-ass plastic pig toy all day, see you there at 11am baby. 90 kent ave. dig in. 

just park your ass dancing feet all night at the House of YES– where they don’t take no for an answer.

Ghostship Ball, House of YES, Bushwick.

The North Brooklyn Boat Club and Long Island City Community Boathouse invite you to share in an evening of nautical narratives and naughty acrobatics! all for a good cause. because if you haven’t heard, north bk boat club takes you on kayak and canoe tours for the very small price of picking up any little pieces of trash that might float by as you’re merrily rowing along. or, become a member for $35/year and enjoy unlimited access to their boats, gear, and dock entrance to  the pride of greenpoint, the new river creek. event starts at 5-10pm, House of YES, 10 Wyckoff Ave. tickets $9.18 and can be found here. batton down the hatches, maties. stormy seas predicted.

then stay for-

Elevation 001 at House of YES, Bushwick.

i mean you already go there to get high to appreciate some aerial acrobatics, why not take things to the next level? everyone’s favorite party group Zero Presents begins its monthly residency at the house of YES this saturday night. and like all of zero’s events, it promises to never be the lowest common denominator? to only divide itself up for those who are worth something? to only go up from here? …to be dope as shit. i’m totally in so join me. unless you’re up to something better? hmmm? tickets, $30 which is better than most zero parties. and it’s an 8-hour party, from 9pm to 5am sunday, House of YES, 10 Wyckoff Av.

SUNDAY

Live Music at Manhattan Inn, Greenpoint.

go here, no matter what on sunday. everytime i’ve been on a sunday evening i am completely blown away by the people performing. and, they perform in the very center of the backroom so so much sound is being produced all around you, and you kind of feel like they’re singing only to you and it’s at your house. beneath a raggy spanish-mossish covered chandelier. 632 manhattan ave, check their calendar for listing info.

where to drink this weekend

Lavendar Lake, 383 Carroll St, Gowanus. 

haven’t discovered gowanus yet? Well it’s akready too late. That doesn’t mean that you can’t love it though. This lively cocktail bar and restaurant used to be a hidden gem and now it’s a legitimate hotspot. People don’t even seem to care that their huge backyard and patio are located right on the banks of the pungent gowanus canal ) it’ll only get better (and more crowded) as temperatures rise, so go this weekend.

where to eat this weekend

Bamontes, 32 Withers St, Williamsburg. 

<3L.

THURSDAY

Brooklyn Cocktail History, brooklyn heights.

if you haven’t noticed, not coincidentally, brooklyn bartenders here tend to drip with the perfectly-curated aesthetic of the inside of the bars where they craft cocktails. the suspendered sex magnets at maison premier? the bubbly and brawny tour guides at brooklyn brewery? the mid-western hotties at lake street? willie nelson’s naughty minions at skinny dennis? and that hot girl who fell out of the prohibition era and behind the bar oak and iron? anyway. all of brooklyn’s finest craft cocktail makers, if my theory serves correctly (and by its very nature it fucking serves), will be at the brooklyn historical society on thursday. get yourself a drink, a date, and plenty of historical facts to woo your new lover. 7-830pm, $12, 128 pierrepoint st. make mine a double.

First Comes Love, comedy show at the bell house, gowanus

FRIDAY

Just Friends at Brooklyn Boulders, boerum hill.

Get Dolled Up at Arrojo Salon, williamsburg.

Dance Yrself Clean at Brooklyn Bowl, williamsburg.

dance yourself clean, or dirty, or into a new state of confusion where hygiene is relative and lcd sound system isn’t headlining coachella and daft punk is fucking playing at my house, my house. (let’s all go to this event. and dance. to music inspired by the greatest band of all time.) 61 wythe ave, 11.30pm, $12. ’cause we’re north american.

It’s Friday and I’m Not in Love at Littlefield, williamsburg.

SATURDAY

Vendor Maker Workshops at Artists and Fleas, williamsburg.

SUNDAY

Free Hot Yoga, williamsburg.

Seven Minutes in Heaven, the Diamond, greenpoint.

ah, now here’s a valentine’s day event that doesn’t involve a $200 prix fixe and warm towelettes between courses (which i really, really appreciate.) $25 gets you a romantic gondola ride for two, champagne toast, oysters, and a commemorative photograph and sweet. this is a good idea. 5-8pm. email DAVE to reserve a time wit your boo. timing starts… now.

Menage a Trois party with RINSED, location TBA.

where to eat this weekend

Two words- bivalve aphrodesiacs. Relationship status be damned, you have a right to enjoy this delicacy with a glass of Chablis and feel downright sexy, slimy, and satisfied- the trifecta of valentine’s day adjectives. Amiright? (don’t answer that.) here are my top Brooklyn picks serving you up the region’s finest, on the half shell, along with a tempting list of wine pairings.

Greenpoint Fish Co, Greenpoint.

Happy Hour, $1 Oysters and $3 tallboy ‘gansetts, Monday-Friday 2-5pm
114 Nassau Ave
you’re the real catch.

The Bounty, Greenpoint.

Happy Hour,  $1 oysters 5-7pm Tues-Sun
131 greenpoint ave
hunt some bounty.

Maison Preimere, Williamsburg.

$1 oysters 7-5pm Monday-Friday
298 bedford ave
down the hatch.

Desnuda, Williamsburg.

where to drink this weekend

let’s face it– no one really has time to spend 2+ hours in a movie theater. but now that the “experts” have spoken, we can sacrifice that time with a little more confidence. dodge the cold (and snow!) this weekend and check out some of new york’s most unique and iconic theaters to get a head start on your oscar ballot.

Nitehawk Cinema, williamsburg.
the way williamsburg does a cinema- small theaters, amazing food, and rotating movie-themed cocktail list.
136 metropolitan ave. www.nitehawkcinema.com

BAM Rose Theater, cobble hill.
nestled into the iconic Brooklyn Academy of Music, theaters offer carnegie-hall like acoustics and both blockbuster and independent films.
30 lafayette ave, www.bam.org

Lincoln Plaza, upper west side.
subterranean art house theater across from lincoln center showing mostly independent films on small screens. under the ground.
1886 broadway, http://www.lincolnplazacinema.com/

Anjelika Film Center, soho.
iconic independent film theater located in soho- sound enhanced by real new york subway rumblings! (trust me, you’ll find it charming.)
18 west houston, www.anjelikafilmcenter.com

Pavilion Theater, park slope
this big-screen digital cinema blends seamlessly into its charming neighborhood.
188 prospect park west, www.paviliontheater.com/

if you prefer to rent, try Film Noir in greenpoint for an extensive collection of independent, foreign, noir, and blockbuster films- plus an incredibly knowledgeable owner. take owner’s pick if you’re having trouble deciding- he’s never let me down.
10 Bedford ave. no website, just walk through the door the old-fashioned way.

THURSDAY
Museum of Food and Drink features Combat Rations and You, williamsburg
this new museum is the only of it’s kind in new york, allowing guests to taste their way through exhibits. located in the heart of boutique eateries and the farm-to-table movement, prepare to have your mind and tastebuds blown away. thursday’s event explores military food throughout history, and its impact on the everyday “rations” available to us today.
62 bayard st, 630-8pm, $15. eat up!
in addition, check out current exhibition flavor- making it and faking it, on show through 2/28

an evening of Expanded Cinema, nitehawk theater, williamsburg.
take a trip on over to the nitehawk cinema and let go while your mind explores the boundless nature of sight, color, sound, and movement. what you do before arrival is up to you… just tune in, drop out, and explode into a psychadelic slipstream, $16, 136 metropolitan ave.

FRIDAY
Like a (Lady) Boss– happy hour shopping and networking event, williamsburg
head over to antoinette vintage for an evening of inspirational networking, aspirational vintage shopping, and completely impulsive flash tattooing. cocktails provided by real vodka, the only vodka for badass, career driven women. flash tattoos by tea leigh- $30-50, designs available on Facebook. 5-9pm, 119 grand st, get connected.

ROOTS Cafe Poetry Series, park slope
there is nothing better than the warmth of shared verse among neighbors, contemporaries, and strangers. come to roots cafe’s monthly poetry series and feel enlightened, rejuvenated, and inspired. seek, here. 639 fifth ave, 8-10pm.

Opening Reception and Adult Sleepover at Flux Factor, friends only, long island city.
i mean- no, that isn’t called an orgy. it’s called an adult sleepover at the opening of an art exhibit that celebrates all the wonder and enchantment of friendship. if you’re going to sully the whole idea then just don’t come. and be comfortable sitting at home with no one braiding your hair, giving you a makeover, trying to make you light as a feather and stiff as a board and burning pictures of select ex-lovers, watching the embers flutter into the night sky as your heart begins to feel light after what must have been months of burdensome torture.…come with me. friend. 39-31 29th Street, 7pm.

SATURDAY
Baseline, trestle gallery, gowanus.
for a disorienting experience without chemical influence (or with, if you prefer), check out the opening of baseline at trestle gallery in gowanus, a sculpture and installation exhibit combining found materials, mirrors, light and sound. on view saturdays through 2/15 at trestle gallery, 400 third ave, 1-6pm, free. get bent out of shape.

cacao ceremony! for the full moon, greenpoint.
we all know how well chocolate and moons go together- moonpies, freeze-dried spaceman ice-cream sandwiches, the shape of oreos after a bite, bare butts of all nationalities… so let’s celebrate this sacred bond and consecrate our bodies to the full moon with an ancient cacao guatemalan drink shared among dream seed and reverent community members. 97 green st, 7-10pm, $40. sounds sweet. and dark.

lord nelson and whale oil at the rock shop, park slope.
come hear some boys from the homeland (mine, that is) share their southern rock, folk, and soul sound at the rock shop in park slope. 249 fourth ave, 7pm, $7 and don’t forget-.va is for lovers.

mickey avalon with dirt nasty at knitting factory, williamsburg
i can’t deny that i fucking loved some of his songs back in 2007. has he done anything since then? well whatever. $20 will take you down memory lane with jane fonda  and so rich, so pretty and an additional $55 will give you a chance to meet the guy. i can only imagine what he’s like in person… doors at 8pm, show at 9. 361 metropolitan ave. tickets, here. because i know you want to do the jane fonda.

Donut Fest, verboten, greenpoint.
it’s here. donut fest. a hol(e)y celebration of new york’s most recent food obsession. featuring all your local purveyors, plus coffee pairings and plenty of hands to hold once the sugar high sets in. at verboten, 54 n 11th st, 11.30-5pm. it’s time to (eat) the donuts. together.

SUNDAY
Free Comedy at the knitting factory, williamsburg.
I like to laugh. and I’m willing to bet you do too. So let’s all get some, for free, at the knitting factory. Sunday night stand up has included guests like louis ck, aziz ansari, dave chapelle, sarah silverman, chris rock, among others. get your ass out of bed and feel better about your life, at least temporarily.
136 metropolitan ave, 5-11pm, free, in the front room. 9PM. HAHAHA.

Rock ‘n Shop Bazaar, bushwick
long live the free brooklyn bazaar-they can take our space, but they can’t take our freedom! enter
Rock n’ Shop at the paper box, an artist and maker market, featuring local food booths, drinks, and live music. open every saturday and sunday- 10am-7pm, band’s at 5pm, 17 meadow st. rock on.

where to eat this weekend– The Bounty, greenpoint.
i feel like every new yorker is constantly on the search for a better burger, and i thought i was abvoe it… now i can’t stop thinking about this goddamn burger, and it’s becoming a hindrance in my everyday functioning. go, but don’t say i didn’t warn you. i’ll be the creepy one salivating and twitching in the corner. 131 greenpoint ave. eat ’em up.

where to drink this weekend– Spritzenhaus, williamsburg.
I guess this is a gimme. This is the greatest beer garden this side of Germany and with over 100 beers on tap, free fireplace, artisan sausages, jenga games and the greatest bar tenders around. Ask for John. Ask him to play lcd soundsystem and bask in all the wonder that is the greatest place to get inebriated with friends. 33 nassau ave, GO.