How to Ride the Cosmic Wave of Monday’s Solar Eclipse

Liz Norment — Sun, 20 Aug 2017 20:39:03 +0000

The solar eclipse is happening Monday and I know I’m not alone in saying that their has been a lot of crazy cosmic energy flying around leading up to it. It all culminates tomorrow so let’s harness that energy and ride this cosmic wave. I’ll show you how.

Trust me, you don’t want to be left in the dark.

Play the fucking lottery.

The likelihood of your own personal existence occurring in North America during the only total solar eclipse to occur in totality over the united states is really fucking small. and the chances of winning the lottery in New York are… so if my math is correct (if it isn’t, fuck off) then we all have a 22% better chance at winning the lottery on the eclipse. The jackpot if currently 650 MILLION DOLLARS. Get a ticket. Now.

Make big decisions on love, lust and success.

All those things you’ve been hesitant to act upon? The opportunities you keep wishing you would take? That mega hottie looking at you right now but you’re too busy reading this fantastic blog post? Now’s the time. Dip your toe in or more. Take some risks, no matter how crazy or dangerous they seem. The results are almost guaranteed to be explosive and the good news is that if you fuck up, you can just blame it on the eclipse. “Hey sorry I didn’t know what I was doing. got swept up in that lunar pull baby.”

Wear your undies inside out.

everyone knows that turning your undies inside out makes things happen. this is a practice I’ve been partaking in since snow days meant a day off school instead of just an inconvenient commute. (god bless virginia) so if there’s any way to hone in the energy of this universal happening, this just might be the way. and also maybe you haven’t done laundry in like a really really really long time, so this is a nice temporary fix for that problem too. just don’t make it a habit, ok? You’ll use up the magic.

Meditate.

Open your mind, your heart, your soul to this energy. I’ve got some guided meditations here to get you started but then go it alone. breathe in, breathe out. enlighten yourself.

Head to the ocean.

to really feel that lunar pull, to get lost in that cosmic sway, to be eternal, head to the coast. bring your guilt and shame and regret and feel it all wash off of you. make a promise to yourself and the sea to be stronger. let the salt of your tears be diluted and rinsed by the ocean until you can’t tell if you’re crying. Let the blood pumping through your veins seek cadence with the waves until you don’t feel like you’re bleeding. Let the breath that fills and escapes your lungs find rhythm in the tides so it takes your breath away again and again and again with eternal certainty. then take off your swim suit and be free little mermaid.

Wear heirlooms.

You know, those little soul keepers we keep around to feel grounded and guided by our lost family and ancestors. This eclipse blurs the lines between universes and helps our soul transcend beyond mortality. Take advantage of that. Invite them in. Wear your heirlooms.

Watch it with all of your favorite people, just in case the world ends.

I mean, you never know. Check out one of the spots that our good friends at Gothamist have listed (so I didn’t have to) and get yourself a little bevvy and drink until the sun comes… out?

And I guess don’t look at it.

Ok listen. I kind of have this little theory that we actually can look at the eclipse. This is just something that scientists are saying to scare us so that they can view the eclipse all by themselves. They want to take it all in without our non-sciency eyes watching and oooh-ing and aweing because they are scientists and spend most of their time in a lab with petri dishes and they want this magic all to themselves. And, obviously, there’s in cahoots with everyone manufacturing those ridiculous glasses. So, hey, scientists. I might just look. I haven’t decided yet, but I’m on to you.

(i’m on to you.)

for other conspiracy theories, check out this amazing piece in the atlantic. I feel you man.

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