I’ve found all the best ways to secure your position on Santa’s naughty list this weekend.

 Get to it, there isn’t much time. 

Things to do in Brooklyn on Thursday

Hartstop Disco Dance Party at Venus in Furs in Williamsburg

Disco isn’t dead and neither am I and neither are you. You know how I know? That little heart of your is still in there beating, likely to its own drum… but let’s let all of ours beat together, and our hips move and groove together, this Thursday night at Venus in Furs in Williamsburg. They’ll welcome back the Hartstop Disco Dance Party and all of you and your disco-fab friends to dance all night. Dico getup welcome, it makes conversation-starting easier (and you know it). $8/10 suggested to enter. Info here. 9pm ’til late. 990 Broadway.

Morbid Hour: Celebrating the Darkest Day of the Year at KCBC Brewery

Friday is the darkest day of the year (or I suppose it’s Thursday to Friday?), and that means we’re all tempted to join the dark side, to succumb to the deep dark cold of winter, to relinquish all of our best intentions for evil, to pretend to like Star Wars. Our friends at KCBC want to help envelope you into darkness with their Darkest Day of the Year celebration, featuring their new Morbid Hour dark beer on tap and in collaboration with St. Vitus and Traze Pizza, so things will be dark and metally and delicious. The lights will be low, the music will be low, and there will be no hand checks. Info here, it all happens 5-11pm at KCBC, 381 Troutman St.

NYC DSA Debate Watch Party at Magazine* in Greenpoint

I haven’t been one for political ‘watch’ parties ever since I attended one at Lake Street one fateful Tuesday night that had us all clutching our beers and taking obscene amounts of whiskey shots, unable to believe our eyes, and in my case, convincing myself it didn’t actually happen so I could finally fall asleep around 4:30am. But, one of the best things about a debate watch part is that we get to see where all of us actually stand, and feel our voices heard at least among our peers in order to shape a stronger one come election time. The best place to do it is at Magazine* Greenpoint. They’ll have the debate with sound on the big screen, all-night drink specials, an impartial disco ball, and as always, free popcorn. RSVP here. 130 Franklin St.

*Disco Shayz

House of Yes Xmas Spectacular in Bushwick

This is one of my favorite New York holiday traditions. The Christmas Spectacular at House of Yes is a festive, immersive holiday adventure that combines traditional songs and stories and then completely flips them upside down and strips them away and interprets them with aerialists, dancing gifts, sexy reindeer, Mariah Carey, milk and cookies, and so many surprises under the tree you’ll question whether or not you’ve actually been good this year. (Trust me, you haven’t.) Tickets, $30-80 are available here. Shows are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, 7-10pm. 2 Wyckoff Ave at House of Yes, the place for naughty boys and girls.

Dirty Thursday: Office Holiday Party at House of Yes in Bushwick

After the Spectacular, roll right into the office holiday party the way you always wanted it to be- with no awkward conversations with slimy old executives who feel comfortable holding their hand on your lower back, without cheesy games or giveaways or speeches you have to pretend to give a fuck about, and with overall way better-looking people. Come and forget office politics, forget being afraid of making a fool of yourself. Make copies of your private parts. Hook up in a not-that-dark corner. Have no regrets. And honestly, I bet if you reached out to Jim from finance in an after-hours email he’d have no qualms about meeting you for a late-night budget constraints review. It’s free all night. Dress up, it’s more fun. Info here. 2 Wyckoff Ave.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Friday

Good Room Holiday Party in Greenpoint

I at least want to pretend that I was good this year; that even my worst decisions started with good intentions. Well, it’s time we threw all of that shit out the window this Friday because to be honest, it’s way too late. Let’s just admit that we’re a bunch of fucking heathens. Celebrate your hedonistic longings at the Good Room’s holiday party. Get merry and dance with your friends all night to some of the city’s best DJs, in both the Good and Bad rooms. Free for Good Room members, $10 with RSVP right here. 10pm-4am, 98 Meserole Ave at Good Room, where no good can come of it.

Light Side about Darth Vader at Film Noir Cinema in Greenpoint

I’m kind of one of those people who doesn’t really get the whole Star Wars thing. I understand it’s a fantastic story, I get that the graphics were really profound for the time, and they caught Harrison Ford at his very best… but beyond that, I find myself searching for a little more. Which is why I’m so into this event, that will show you a deeper (not darker) side of the whole story. Film Noir Cinema, that captivating little antique theatre in Greenpoint, invites you into a journey with David Prowse, the British actor who originally portrayed Darth Vader, through his new documentary Light Side. It will give you a fresh and different perspective into the trilogy. Come. Listen. Learn. Be tempted toward either side but also, develop an understanding into what it means to be a celebrated villain. I’ll be there mostly because maybe now I can finally stop aggressively sipping my coffee while I pretend to listen to my boyfriend get so damn excited when we see a “dolorian” poster as wait for the G train. Tickets are in limited capacity- get yours here now. It’s happening from 8:30-10:30pm at 122 Meserole Ave. 

Michael Alan’s Holiday Sale at his Studio in Bushwick

What do you get for that one person on your list who still remains an enigma? That person who has such specific taste but still somehow astounds you every time you go to their apartment and think, how the fuck did you think to put that here? And also, I think that taxidermied creature is still breathing… This is the place to find that special something for that special someone. Renowned performance artist and Brooklyn resident will open his studio for a sale this Friday night. Come to get an inside look at the creative process of this profound artist, and pick something crazy out for yourself or a friend. Info here. Address revealed with RSVP.

Holiday Island at House of Yes in Bushwick

Look at your skin right now. Ugh. Squalled, right? And that sweater? Remember when it was a shirt that said “hey, I just came to party!” instead of, “hi, my office is usually pretty cold and I just wanted to make sure I could get through the financial reports without an undue amount of discomfort.” There’s still a chance to change that around. There’s still a way to say, “Hey baby, is it warm in here, or is it just me heating up the dance floor?” It’s all happening Saturday night, at House of Yes. They’ll be having their Holiday Island party, so give the gift that keeps you living. So save yourself. Get out of your winter skin. Shed a little light on that timeless summer glow. Be cool. Get hott. Get tickets here right now. 10pm-4am, 2 Wyckoff Ave.

Muppet Christmas Live Reading and Sing-Along at the Creek and the Cave in LIC

I really love holiday traditions for the sake of just helping you fall right into that cozy holiday spirit. And there’s no doubt that watching Muppet Christmas is one of them. So let’s all head to the Creek and the Cave Friday night and hold hands and sing along and cheer on that Kermit the Frog Tiny Tim. You $5 will be donated to Coalition for the Homeless so go, #revelwithacause. Info here. Head to Bierocracy after, and get a mojito from Zach. He makes ’em best.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Saturday

BK Queer Flea Market at 3 Dollar Bill in Bushwick

Not sure what to get the staunch republicans on your list? Get the something interesting and handmade at this holiday market in Brooklyn, and then let them know proudly that their gift also supports LGBTQ rights and the community’s creative endeavors. Find the full list of vendors here, and then be there from 3-9pm at 3 Dollar Bill in Bushwick. 260 Meserole St.

Nutcracker Rouge at Company XIV in Bushwick

Be honest with yourself. There’s no more need for the “naughty or nice” bit this year. You’re getting coal and switches (ooh!) this year and that was pretty much determined before the end of 2018. So let’s get really good and naughty here as Christmas approaches by going to this dirty iteration of a Holiday classic. It’s the Nutcracker Rouge, a kinky burlesque cabaret ballet that reinterprets the classic coming-of-age tale as one of sexual awakening. It runs now through 1/13 but go before Christmas. Don’t ruin it for yourself next year. Tickets are $75 and are available here. 383 Troutman St.

Greenhook Ginsmiths and St. Agrestis New Tasting Room is Open!

If you haven’t read my piece on Duke’s Liquor Box yet then maybe you don’t exactly realize how much we should appreciate the fact that New York has relatively recently opened up its regulations for small-batch distillers. That means that even just in Greenpoint, we have a handful of amazing distilleries to visit, learn from, and sip with. And two of the best just got together to open a charming little tasting room, on Eagle Street. Greenhook Ginsmiths and St. Agrestis Amaro (ps, St. Agrestis is basically the saint of wild ex-pats, which is all of us here), and they’re only open for walk-ins on the weekends. So you should go this Saturday, experience the magic these two spirits make when combined, get a little loose then go (kind of) finish your shopping at the Renegade Craft Fair, at the Expo Center! Find the tasting room at 233 Eagle St.

Renegade Craft Fair at the Expo Center in Greenpoint

Crafts are dangerous again! Or, I mean a little. These “renegade” makers are bold enough to go beyond the store and sell their wares from charming little booths that are like pockets of passion and hard work for you to peruse and decide if their blood, sweat, and tears have a place under your tree this year. (HInt: they do.) Go. Buy. Support local makers. Info here. Go Saturday or Sunday, starting at 11am. 79 Franklin St.

Winter Soulstice at House of Yes in Bushwick

I’m pretty sure Winter arrived on Wednesday in a big old squall that came storming over us from the West… but, we shall formally welcome it into our house this Saturday night, at House of Yes. In their words, “Radiate your light on this darkest night and feel connected to the stars, the sun… and the future of you. Nurture your nature. Celebrate your celestial soul on Winter Solstice, through heartbeats and body rolls on our dance floor. Change the season. Change your life.” Yep. Any other info is here. 10pm-4am, 2 Wyckoff Ave.

Things to do in Brooklyn on Sunday

Stay tuned!!!

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

Holiday Christmas Spectacular at House of Yes, Bushwick.

you know, the thing i really have about the holidays is that there is a distinct lack of drag queens. and aerial dancers dressed as reindeer. actual dicks in actual boxes. an intergalactic interactive immersive shopping experience and a chance to sit on santa’s lap, in a dirty way, and not feel bad about it. thankfully house of yes has swooped down and answered all of my holiday gripes with the holiday christmas spectacular. this immersive theater experience promises to make any dullness in your holiday sparkle, irrepressibly. all info and tickets here, $35-50. 2 wyckoff ave at house of yes, where the naughty list was a good starting off point.

Holiday Party (free!) at Good Room, Greenpoint.

didn’t make it to good room thursday night because someone posted her weekend guide a bit too late? well no sweat baby. go friday night. to their free holiday party. i’ll let them explain it better right here.

The Murder of Santa Claus at the Spectacle Theater, Williamsburg. 

ho ho ho, be merry, etc etc. it all can get to be a bit much, especially when you start hearing christmas songs at halloween these days and you’ve been fighting off “Santa Stop Here!” signs at duane reade trying to get to the cheep six packs since this summer it seems. here’s something refreshing. this 1940s french film (with subtitles!) mixes history with folklore, fairytale with a deep, dark mystery that keeps unfolding and refolding and stretching way way out before gripping you in its tempting embrace. so, you should go. a much better explanation (and trailer!) is here. show starts at 10pm, 124 S 3rd st at Spectacle Theater- wanna come again? that’s respectacle.

SATURDAY

Midnight Mass at Park Church Co-Op, Greenpoint.

SUNDAY

<3L.