a weekly journal of my new freelance life.
I read a quote recently that said “anywhere can be a prison if you make it one” and the honesty of those words pissed me off but also stuck with me. so often we create boundaries, walls, gates, limitations, in so many areas of our lives. we do this emotionally, professionally, creatively. we are capable of so somuch more than we allow ourselves to be. anytime I doubt that I watch this and feel alive and invigorated and deliberate and afraid of nothing.
last week I quit my job. I found myself on my first day of “freedom” feeling completely unhinged, trying not to panic. I tried to write but the words wouldn’t come. I tried to workoutbut it didn’t feel productive enough. I wrote a to-do list and accomplished nothing on it but “buy TP”. I found myself at the grocery store standing on the meat aisle, thinking that we need different meats. none of these felt right. there must be others? have we thought of others?? i just stood there, ironically paralyzed among the once living and now sterilely packaged products, not knowing what to do next.
the very freedom I’d been craving became debilitating, and I found myself somehow imprisoned again, by fear.
with all of the preachy “follow your dreams!” “live your best life!” posts that i shove down your throats, I have finally followed my own advice. I am now my own experiment. so stick with me and follow along, I guarantee this will get interesting.
Brooklyn, I’m trying…
to break free of these walls
to live without fear
to be so much more.
let’s go into this new season with clear minds and hearts. a friend of mine recently spoke of meditation as feeling like you’ve thrown a house party and realizing you know none of the guests. we let so many thoughts passively infiltrate our minds that it feels like they become us, they control us, they occupy our space and grind up on each other inappropriately and leave red solo cups of stale beer on every single surface. let’s be deliberate about taking control and clearing that shit out. never meditated? start with these guided meditations and show those unwanted house guests the door.
The first meditation helps you tap into compassion. Learn how to dissolve all boundaries and clear space to attract love. Enjoy the Compassion Meditation.
My second meditation will help you make decisions with ease. Do you struggle with making the right choice? This practice will help you trust your intuition. Press play and enjoy the Decision Making Meditation.
The third meditation is going to rock your world! Are you ready to learn how to attract what you want into your life? This meditation will help you use creative visualization to cultivate a powerful energy that will make you a magnet for what you desire. Enjoy my Creative Visualization Meditation.
The final meditation will help you own your purpose. I often hear people say, “I don’t know how to find my purpose.” I believe it’s the opposite. Your purpose will find you! Practice this meditation and clear space for your purpose to come forth.
I recently come across this piece in the Atlantic through my dear homies at the new stand and the title immediately grabbed my attention. “The Case for the Rebel,” Ashley Lamb-Sinclair, a teacher, talks about the inconvenience of the class clown, the trouble maker. Noting that over the years, although they gave her more grey hairs than anyone else, it was always the rebels that were the idea makers because they challenged the status quo. They were fearless and bold. Just as her colleagues, she noted, would “often intentionally break rules if it means a better education for the students in their classroom” [which of course recalls one of the greatest films ever made] yet didn’t recognize that the students who were doing the same thing were punished.
The rebels in the world are often the ones who change it the most.
“I recently heard on the radio a state legislator speaking of the importance of developing “soft skills” for the workforce. He elaborated on the merits of understanding the importance of a firm handshake, showing up 10 minutes early, and being a “team player.” As I listened to him, I thought these were admirable traits—traits that my own father tried desperately to instill in me, which I generally ignored—but they were mostly values held by an older generation.”
i cannot wait to see what you create.
apparent, when undone
how quickly our lives become
four walls and one roof.
things proven true this week – moving is a bitch, and haikus provide order among chaos, poetry upon boxes, beauty amidst pain, and inspiration to conquer writers block,… especially on tuesdays. this one written while negotiating my life into cardboard boxes, secured with packaging tape and a plea for gentle handling.
the train slows to a halt and i notice the dingy tiles brighten momentarily in the tunnel before it is consumed by darkness again. an obtrusive, automated voice audibly forces me from my literary concentration.
i look up to see the doors slide open, a familiar body enters.
subtly i tilt my head down, welcome my hair as it frees itself from behind my ear and falls in front of my face. hide me, i silently implore.
i shuffle to adjust to the oncoming passengers, pleading for privacy as i continue to read the words on the page.
but his presence is undeniable. he has somehow sidled right there next to me, despite the densely packed crowd of commuters. despite my efforts at inconspicuousness. despite my persistent and optimistic desires.
his grip nearly resting on mine as we both cling to the pole. his scent familiar, and the feeling that overcame me inevitable and consuming. at once as i stare up finally into his familiar face.
discontent, why must you always find me?
the train lurches to a halt and the doors open and we all pour out like maggots from a busted trash bag and he and i walk, together. our steps in perfect unison. my shoulders hanging heavy in defeat.
and i wonder, in vain, how long he plans to stay this time.
from the summer of 2012.
30 nov 2015
sometime in 2016.
I love being overly nice to my barista. The relationship here feels like more than just business, the exchanges warm and light. A gentle understanding created when he knows I’m dependent on him to get me through my day, to make me feel better. Zi show him appreciation.